‘Bring it on,’ declared ‘Mad’ Nigel Morrison, president of the NFARWS (Near-Future Apocalyptic Road Warriors Society). ‘The sooner we can start racing up and down the M6, battling it out over dwindling supplies of petrol, the better. With my brother-in-law’s old motorbike gear I really look the business, especially with the natty feather mohican I’ve made,’ the 42 year-old regional sales manager revealed, ‘and I’ve already booked in the garage to have a nitrous oxide injector fitted to my Honda Accord.’

IT consultant David ‘Toecutter’ Brimfield is also well into preparations for the imminent destruction of civilised society. ‘Radiation meter, crossbow, armoured codpiece – I’ve got the lot. I’ve also purchased a plastic container and a length of rubber hose so that I can start siphoning fuel from any vehicles I’ve captured once the balloon goes up. I had a sneaky practice outside Membury services the other night – it doesn’t half burn when it goes down doesn’t it?’

In anticipation of the breakdown of law and order in the UK, the NFARWS has issued a guidebook, ‘So You Want to Be a Warrior of the Wasteland?’, which contains hints and tips on survival in post-apocalyptic Britain. Topics include piloting an autogyro, laying siege to heavily defended oil refineries and how to prevent chafing when wearing leather 24/7. The society also intend to hold a number of practical training sessions – tracking through the desert wastes of Halesowen on a camel-drawn Mustang being the first.

However, despite the NFARWS’ dystopian vision, road warriors like Morrison and Brimfield are also looking to rebuild something approximating civilisation once the initial round of fighting and pillaging along Britain’s motorways has died down. ‘We’ve drawn up plans for a brand new city, which we’ve christened Haggletown,’ claimed Morrison. ‘Built on the ruins of Bradford – we’ll use the council offices as a Thunderdome – Haggletown will become a haven for the desperate, the dispossessed and the dangerous.’

‘Chantelle from accounts looks a bit like Tina Turner, so if we can get her onboard then all the better,’ continued Brimfield, ‘and we’ve already found an agency where we can hire a midget. All we need now is find a gigantic muscle-bound imbecile for him to sit on and we’re sorted – does anyone know if Alex Reid is free now that Jordan’s dumped him?’

‘We were alerted to the disturbing news after Emma’s mother overheard her daughter in her bedroom crying that this was it, that it was all over and that she was just going to die,’ explained Robert James, an environmental science professor at University College London, ‘and considering the data available – and that Jimmy is now going to the disco with that skank Sarah Miller – we think she may have a point.’

A spokesman for the Vatican also confirmed the view that the end of world, as envisioned in the Book of Revelations, is about to come to pass with the teenager from Canterbury summoning the spirits of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. ‘Emma’s already forewarned of the arrival of death, and now War looks certain after her best friend Gracie texted that Jimmy is probably going with Sarah because she’s so skinny,’ explained the Monsignor, ‘Of course that in turn has brought Famine following behind it, as Emma is embarking on a celebrity crash diet. And as for Pestilence, well, that outbreak of acne really couldn’t have come at a worse time…’

Yet despite the consensus that the tragedy destroying Emma’s life is a sign that life on earth is on the verge of no longer being worth living, some commentators refuse to accept the overwhelming evidence, with outspoken Sunday Times columnist Jeremy Clarkson insisting the ‘boffins and religious nutters’ were over-reacting once again, and that clearly Emma ‘would be just fine if her dad gives her a hug and takes her out for an ice-cream’.

‘We were alerted to a problem when a fiery red horse galloped across the night sky towards west London,’ said an official.  ‘We need to ensure they don’t represent a disease risk to UK livestock.’

‘Of course they’re a disease risk,’ admitted one rider, Pestilence.  ‘This was meant to usher in the Apocalypse, but now we’ve got to sit around for ages and complete a ton of paperwork.  Lord Mandelson is going to be furious – now he’ll have to spend another six months on earth as Business Secretary instead.’

Inspired by ajblacker