The magazine polled 450 men and found that 85% of Mac owners refused to sully their beloved luxury product with ‘sleazy’ material. ‘It doesn’t feel right using my Mac for you-know-what,’ said Rob Jones, a graphic designer from Stoke Newington. ‘That’s the keyboard I’m writing my novel on.’

Ricardo DeSousa, editor of Onan-Online explains: ‘Having a Mac is like having a really hot model for a girlfriend. She’s expensive and picky but she looks great sat on your table in a coffee bar. A PC maybe a bit embarrassing, but she’s cheap, good to go and she let you plug in two mice at the same time if that’s your thing.’

The survey also found that a lot of men had problems gaining an erection in-front of their Macs. ‘Therefore a lot of guys get a PC on the side, but keep them hidden away in draws or under the bed. They don’t take them out, don’t show them off to friends, they just drag them out when they’re horny. It’s sad but these PCs are normally happy for whatever they can get,’ explained DeSousa.

Doug Selwyn of Shoreditch says his PC is a risk, but lets him go home and enjoy his Mac even more. ‘I love the buzz of doing it secretly on a risky Windows computer. It might crash, it might get a virus, it might share your browser history with your missus. The thrill really turns me on, but also lets me appreciate my Mac for what it is, a lovely object and more of a long-term commitment thing. I want to build a family with my Mac.’

Microsoft are planning on capitalising on this research with an overtly sexual campaign built around the seedy allure of a ramshackle PC. A special version of their operating system is being launched called ‘Confessions of a Windows cleaner’, with the slogan ‘Relax, we can just type if you want to’.

Jaffacakes

Launching the product, Apple CEO Steve Jobs surprised the audience after walking on stage with the tell-tale white headphone cord clearly disappearing into his rectum. He then demonstrated how users could change tracks and adjust volume by clenching or flexing their buttocks in a series of easy-to-learn moves. ‘Just tense the right buttock for volume, and left to change the track’ he explained, his eyes watering slightly. ‘Staff at your local Apple Store will be happy to insert the product for you and provide any necessary aftercare. Once inserted, the device need never be removed – you can plug in the headphones or charger with only moderate discomfort.’

Apple stores up and down the country were packed with eager buyers, with the lucky few ambling out again with the telltale wider gait which has already been nicknamed the I-pod ‘shuffle’.

One early user complained that the controls on the new product made jogging with the device impossible. ‘Every time I took a step the track changed’ he complained. In response an Apple spokesman confirmed that users may need to adopt a wider stance while walking, running or sitting to avoid this.

Other reviews criticised the new product’s sharp edges and tendency to cause anal bleeding. But one veteran critic was unsurprised, claimed that Apple’s products ‘had always been a bleeding pain in the arse’.

Jobs admitted that the upgrade had been brought forward at short notice and he hoped that another upgrade would not be required for some time. However, doctors admitted today that there is a ‘serious risk’ that the new liver may reject Mr Jobs, after it was revealed that the original owner, Wayne Fragg, was exclusively a Windows PC user.

Transplant specialists are concerned that the new organ may not install itself properly in Steve Jobs’ system, and after a while could give up trying to run altogether.

‘We had the same problem with the heart monitors during the operation,’ revealed the surgeon who carried out the procedure. ‘At first the cables wouldn’t fit into Mr Jobs’ body, then when we managed to find an adapter plug thingy, the monitors just wouldn’t work. Even my son Kevin, who’s good with computers, couldn’t sort it out. In the end we had to give up and plug them into someone else.’

Seamus Nottrew and Rickwestwell