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Posts Tagged ‘Archbishop of Canterbury’

Church of England demand God’s right to prolong suffering

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has spoken out on behalf of the increasingly impotent God, on a difficult issue that has arisen from His regretful decision to give mankind free will, rather than just His own perfect will.

Fortunately for God, the Archbishop Welby has the kind of power and influence over the affairs of man that He could only dream of, as well as having a very fancy outfit with lots of gold bits, a massive hat and a crooked stick which shows just what a terrifically wise man he really is.

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Posted: Sep 13th, 2015
More from Faith

‘Supply vicars’ unable to control unruly congregation

Church-goers turned their pews round to face the opposite direction.

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Posted: May 16th, 2015
More from From The Archives

Archbishop ‘embarrassed’ to find Satan is former employee of God

‘Payroll records show that a Mr Lucifer Satan was formerly employed as an angel for Heaven Plc,’ admitted a spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury.

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Posted: Jul 29th, 2013
More from News In Brief

‘Refuse to pay our loans back and I’ll give you arse cancer’, warns God

Following the Archbishop’s plans to ‘take down’ payday lender Wonga by offering people an alternative, the Church of England have released the first promotional video for its new ‘revolutionary credit facility’ today, featuring the Almighty God himself, who claims their punishments for late payments will be ‘much more severe’ than Wonga’s, ensuring nobody will ‘even dare get into debt’.

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2013
More from News In Brief offers to ‘save souls’

lie now, pray laterPayday loan company Wonga has hastily announced plans to diversify and offer unsecured ‘high-cost salvation’ in response to the Archbishop of Canterbury’s recent decision to offer Church of England payday loans.

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Posted: Jul 25th, 2013
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