‘It’s almost as if artists feel they inhabit a different world of fantasy and self-indulgence, far removed from the everyday,’ said Perry, wearing a puff-sleeved dress and too much rouge.

The outburst came as Perry, 51, returned from a road trip across Bavaria on a bright pink motorcycle. ‘Artists are just too disengaged from the lives of ordinary people.’ opined the artist to his muse and travelling companion; an antique teddy bear called Alan Measles.

Clarky

In a passionate outburst Ms Van Buren, 57, has defended her right to explore new creative avenues. ‘Nobody said anything when I started putting little Munch scream-heads into the jury box, or even the year when I decided to blur the accuseds’ faces in my fauvist-pointillist style.’

Johnathan Wilder, a spokesman for Her Majesty’s Court Service said: ‘It is with great regret that we have had to lose the services of Maria Van Buren, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that her shouts of ‘hold it! don’t move’ were interrupting the business of the court. We have concluded that, however delightful her work may be on its own merit, it fails to live up to the exacting standards required by the Crown Court. Plus it looks like a five-year-old has done it.’

The Ministry of Justice has issued a statement saying it is considering installing automatic daguerrotypes in courtrooms, prompting outrage from the community of courtroom artists who see this new technology as a threat to their way of life.

It is the second time that Van Buren has been sacked. She previously did the artist’s impression of wanted criminals for the Metropolitan Police, with the result that officers were often searching for a man in a bowler hat with an apple for a head. ‘Then she went through a Picasso phase, and all the suspects had three eyes and their heads were completely distorted,’ said a police spokesman. ‘If that wasn’t bad enough, she expected a couple of million for each of her works. I mean, the paintings were a load of rubbish and then she charges an arm and a leg. Or it might have been two legs and an eye, it was very hard to tell.’

Mme de Rochebrune was persuaded to hand over the portrait restoration work to L’Oreal after reading how their Pro-Keratin enriched crème promised to revitalise and rejuvenate the brunette. ‘We went for a natural dark brown, in keeping with the her original hair colour,’ said the curator, ‘but we hadn’t reckoned on just how much more ‘body’ her hair would have after the treatment. Now it keeps swinging about and setting off the burglar alarms.’

L’Oreal, however, say are they well-pleased with their work on the Mona Lisa. ‘We restored her missing eyebrows and treated her to a course of Revitalift Double Intensive Re-Tautening Day Cream, which successfully filled a lot of the cracks in her face,’ said a L’Oreal technician. ‘The extra long eyelashes certainly make her more alluring and we’ve also given her fuller lips with a high-gloss lipstick for a more ‘pouty’ look. ‘Enigmatic’ is so yesterday.’

The cosmetics company is now hoping to take their services to other portrait galleries. ‘I can’t wait to get my hands on Sir Isaac Newton,’ said the technician, ‘and there’s a few Picasso women I’ve noticed need some serious sorting out too.’

‘It’s so exciting to see a work of art evolve before your eyes,’ said art critic Andrew Graham-Dixon today. ‘’The Hole’ is very much of the Zeitgeist.  It’s a sophisticated postmodern view of the poverty of human existence within an emasculated culture, and it sends a potent message to creative artists and all who love culture that, ultimately, you are on your own.  At least financially.’

‘It might seem like an empty space,’ enthused Tate Director, Sir Nicholas Serota, ‘but the void is a negative representation of something really quite profound.  Much modern art is criticised for its superficiality, but let me tell you, you won’t hear anyone saying that about this piece.  Boy, is it deep.’

The exhibit has not been without its detractors, however.  Art critic Brian Sewell has described the work as ‘tacky and derivative,’ claiming that he’d ‘seen a similar thing at the Treasury, and that was much bigger.’

The funding deficit is currently on display at the Tate Modern before beginning a nationwide tour in the Autumn when it will it appear outside the entrances to regional theatres and art galleries.  Although promoters confidently predict that ‘The Hole’ will attract big crowds, commentators have suggested that its presence may lead to a reduction in customers actually making it through the doors.

Many of the most famous works of art in history are to be permanently altered in order to attract the interest of teenagers. The move will see the adding of tattoos and piercings to priceless works of art in National Gallery, Tate Britain and other major European galleries.

‘We have to reflect society’s current thinking on what actually constitutes beauty’ said Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell. ‘Painting tattoos onto famous paintings is simply adding embellishments that the artist would have included if they were alive today.’

Work has already started with the Rokeby Venus, by Velasquez, who now has a Harley Davidson style wing tattoo skillfully applied to her lower back. The Venus de Milo will soon have a prominent piercing through her navel. Manet’s classic ‘Dejeuner sur l’herbe’ will see the central naked lady figure’s arm wrapped in Maori symbolism, in deference to the influential artist Robbie Williams. In Seurat’s ‘Bathers at Asnieres’, the boy with the hat has had his forearm adorned in pointillistic style with his mother’s name in Hindi.

‘Just like real tattoos the alterations will be permanent. “They’ll be stuck with it for life,” said a tutting middle-aged curator. Many other works are expected to be affected including the Pre-Raphaelites and several portraits of the Queen, who will benefit from an eyebrow stud and teardrop tattoo under her eye.

This will re-engage thousands of teenagers who are currently unable to relate to the outmoded imagery and religious iconography in our galleries,’ added the Culture Secretary. ‘Now the Virgin Mary weeps because she has just run out of credit on her mobile phone.’

If the initiative proves a success, further expressions of modern beauty are likely to be added. It is understood that several Vermeer paintings will have holes punched in them so that chunky Argos jewellery and topical charity wristbands can be added, and the Mona Lisa may be livened up a bit with ring through her nose and fingerless gloves. And the mystery of her enigmatic expression is solved at last. She’s smiling because she’s listening to a good track on her iPod.

Team Biscuit (via submissions board)