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Posts Tagged ‘Baby’

‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ parents given all-clear to resume feeding

still concerns that Mr Choo-Choo could be affected by leavesYoung mothers across Southern England breathed a collective sigh of relief after Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt announced that so-called ‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ spoon-feeding techniques could safely resume. This followed the shutting down of the regional air traffic control system in Hampshire, which caused feeding-time havoc in high-chairs from Penzance to Potters Bar.

Whilst it is understood that pockets of middle-class ‘work from home’ mums in and around Twickenham and Richmond set up visual monitoring systems from their extended lofts in order to continue feeding, the vast majority suspended all feeding when Mumsnet failed to provide explicit advice on what to do next.

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Posted: Dec 14th, 2014
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Scientists confirm couple’s baby ‘actually IS centre of the universe’

Physicists have confirmed that there is in fact a centre of the universe and that it is Benjamin James Milton, an 18-month old toddler from Knutsford, Cheshire.

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Posted: Aug 18th, 2014
More from From The Archives

Woman refuses to give birth in Primark

not even the 50% off signs could tempt her inDespite being wracked with labour pains and hobbled by a small head erupting from her vagina, an unnamed 28-year-old woman from Birmingham has been hailed as a hero for resolutely refusing to be lulled by Primark’s promise of cut-price designer wear and give birth in the shop.

As her waters broke, her cervix dilated and her 25%-off voucher expired, the woman dragged herself away from the lure of a sale on floral dresses. Groaning as her membranes ruptured, every maternal instinct made her abandon a rail of bargain kids’ clothing in the hope that her child would be born to a better future, with better stitching.

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Posted: Jul 2nd, 2014
More from UK News

Local woman shocked newborn is not ‘like, way cuter’

The baby was weighed at 7 lb 3 oz, but Jenson insists that she must be heavier as her stomach completely obscures her rib cage. She is refusing to breastfeed until the diet pills she has been consuming covertly kick in.

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Posted: Jun 5th, 2014
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Three-headed baby plans announced

Plans to allow the creation of babies with three heads have been announced in the UK. The draft regulations will be reviewed as part of a public consultation and could come into force by the end of 2014, although opponents say it is unethical and could set the UK on a ‘slippery slope’.

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Posted: Feb 28th, 2014
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