Drumming on furniture considered 'poor interview technique'

A new scheme aims to help drummers gain the numeracy and literacy qualifications which could help them find paid employment and escape a life of drumming.  ‘We need to get across the message that even if you’re unpopular, socially awkward and are struggling at school, it doesn’t mean you automatically have to become a drummer,’ said Tim Goffe of the Musician’s Union.  ‘Get some GCSEs and you could easily become a guitarist, or if that’s not possible, do a vocational course and become a bass player.’

However, the scale of the challenge was highlighted at today’s launch as a photo opportunity was ruined when a drummer came in too early and walked straight into shot.  He later dropped his pen half way through filling out the enrolment form and was made to start again from the beginning.

The countries of the former Soviet Union have agreed to reform for a special one-off evening of military posturing, human rights abuse and state-controlled oppression.

The fifteen countries stretching from Lithuania to Tajikistan, were persuaded to bury their differences and get back together to cash in on the current trend for 1970s nostalgia.

Ukraine, the country that first mooted the idea of the ‘Soviet Re-Union’ said last night: ‘We never thought it would really happen, but when we started talking to each other the old memories came flooding back and we realized we owed it to the fans.’ Belarus agreed, saying: “It’s great to be free, independent and democratic, but we can’t deny we had some good times together and it’ll be great to see the others after all this time and feel part of that huge terrifying Soviet power-bloc – even if it’s for just one night!’

All the members have been digging out their old furry hats and hammer and sickle badges and practicing their lines about glorious tractor production. Promoters were wary of backing the reunion until Russia finally came on board. Despite what Kirgizia claimed about the Soviet Union being a team of equals, as one fan said ‘the Soviet Union without Russia would have been like The Osmonds without Donny.’

Russia was finally persuaded to take part in the reunion after promises that it would be allowed to bully the smaller nations. The last country to agree to the plan was Tajikistan simply because no-one could find it.

However the planned reunion looked in danger last night when the reformed Soviet Union encountered a number of unforeseen copyright problems. ‘We’d been planning to do all the old favourites like ‘Destabilizing the Middle East’ or ‘Invading Afghanistan’. Trouble is, some bastard’s gone and nicked our act!’