‘There’s no doubt it’s gone to his head,’ said BBC Director General, Mark Thompson. ‘Inflation of Robert’s ego is running at an all-time high and rising interest rates among viewers only seem to be making the problem worse. We’ve tried to get him doing some positive stories about economic growth, but he thinks he’s the poster boy of economic Armageddon. This morning he even reported from outside the Bank of England wearing a sandwich board saying ‘The end is nigh’.’

Those closest to Peston say the problem started when he received widespread plaudits for uncovering the near collapse and subsequent nationalisation of Northern Rock in 2008. ‘Overnight he became unbearable,’ said his wife. ‘He would sit at home watching the lines of people queuing outside banks with a look of fear in their eyes. All he could say was ‘I did that’, over and over again, a smirk spreading across his face.’

‘It didn’t seem to be a problem at first,’ said Helen Boaden, Director of News at the BBC. ‘Although we knew he was becoming a smug git, we didn’t receive many complaints. I think people were still mesmerized by his strange delivery style and probably didn’t understand a word he was saying. But when he was the first person to report on the Lloyds TSB-HBOS merger, the cameraman actually had to zoom out to keep his ever-increasing grin in the shot.’

Analysts are now claiming that the continual presence of Peston’s self-satisfied face on BBC news programming could itself be exacerbating slumps in the market and the ongoing Eurozone crisis. ‘We are urging the BBC to adopt a policy of quantitative easing and pump more business and economics correspondents into their news coverage in order to shore up viewers’ unhealthy exposure to Robert Peston.’

But Peston’s friends are becoming increasingly concerned about his mental health. ‘Robert’s continuous wallowing in bad news is a worry. He has developed an unhealthy phobia of green ‘up’ arrows. It’s not a problem in the studio, but he’s an emotional wreck at traffic lights.’

Perks (hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

Paper, cotton and leather make way for dust, scabs and soup, while fourth wedding anniversaries are now sponsored by Chapstick. Smut, phlegm, cheese and Johnson’s Ear Buds mark the next four milestones.

Several gifts have been rescheduled, to reflect changes in value since the list was first drafted. 50th Wedding anniversaries are now celebrated with a two-foot length of copper pipe, but the new 60th ‘Full Tank of Diesel’ anniversary has been criticised as ‘extravagant’ by some economists.

Mervyn King is confident that the move will stabilise the trade in Guilts.

Waylandsmithy, Oxbridge, Simonjmr, Vertically Challenged Giant, Fraserwords

“We’re giving the people who need help making big ticket purchases the tools to do the job, so the UK’s retail sector can grow and pull the rest of the economy up with it,’ said the Bank’s governor Mervyn King.

However, he added, before they get their PIN number people will have to sign a guarantee that they will use the free money to buy tat rather than pay off their existing debts.  “After all, we had ten years of prudence and look where it got us.’

ajblacker

Bank of England staff are working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably-sized jiffy bags. ‘The job is a lot easier because Gordon managed to flog most of it off cheap when he was still here,’ said one Bank of England worker. ‘To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.’

Alastair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has welcomed the Bank’s decision. ‘Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already in negotiations with the Queen who may have some unwanted orbs and sceptres which she isn’t planning on leaving to her children, so we might as well make a bob or two out of them. Lovely jubbly.’

‘As we all know, our current economy has been playing up for some time.’ he wrote.  ‘Unfortunately the manufacturer’s guarantee ran out decades ago, and the previous administration failed to extend the warranty or take out extra insurance on the housing market during the property boom.’

‘Getting a man in to take a look at the economy would cost a fortune in standing charges alone, not to mention parts and labour, so I have concluded that we might as well buy a new one and recoup some of the cost by flogging the old one on eBay.’

A spokesman for the bank explained that the Economy Pump was severely damaged when a Scottish two pound coin, which had mistakenly been included in the £50bn being pumped, bypassed the Sterling Filter, causing the pump’s Fiscal Flange to fail.

Although the Fiscal Flange is a relatively inexpensive component (costing just 75p) and is fairly easily replaced, its failure led to several tens of millions of pounds Sterling being exposed to the errant Bank of Scotland coinage, all of which will need to be decontaminated, before pumping can recommence.

Engineers at the Bank are now working around the clock, hoping to have the pump back up and running in time for next month’s interest rate review.

‘Nobody wants this credit’ said Ron Gainsford, chairman of the Trading Standards Institute. ‘It is forced on people by evil loan companies who then make them pay it back even though they can’t afford to. It is outrageous. It is clear that responsibility for the behaviour of individuals lies with these organisations – who else could it possibly be?’

Spooky Kid

‘It’s not good enough to have to wait a day or two for a response from a trusted and reliable source,’ said CBI Director General Richard Lambert, ‘but now Mr King’s put himself right there in the frame, things should go a lot more smoothly. When Gordon tells us we’re actually doing really well, Mervyn will be there with a bundle of notes from the OECD and IMF and will be able to confidently put his hand up to his mouth and cough the word ‘Bullshit’.’

‘Alistair Darling could also receive help from time to time as he’s struggling a bit, isn’t he,’ added Mr Lambert. ‘His growth forecasts seem a tiny bit out, and he’s having so much trouble adding up the numbers that the spending review won’t be finished until after the next election, poor thing. At least he can take some comfort that Gordon still thinks he’s the right man for the job,’ he said, at which point Mervyn King walked past in the background and shouted ‘Bollocks!’.

The scheme will soon be extended to other government departments, to ensure clearer communication and to avoid misleading the public. And for those with hearing disabilities, experts in social policy will also be expected to mime behind the relevant minister. In future when a member of the government says their policy is a success, we can expect to see an independent expert behind him, miming putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, pretending to slash his wrists or acting out putting a noose around his head as he sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.