Initially, White House aides tried ‘Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?’ but when Putin was heard tutting tetchily, they intervened with a recorded message stating ‘Please continue holding, your invasion is important to us’ and started playing ‘Macho Man’ by the Village People’.
Posted: Mar 10th, 2014
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While the world holds its breath and hopes that the current stand-off between Russia and Ukraine does not lead a wider regional conflict or even a second Cold War, the Illuminati are cackling with glee as their plans for world domination through manipulation of the London property market fall quietly into place.
‘We were getting fed up with being unable to take over the world politically, despite assassinating the Kennedys, orchestrating both Iraq wars and foiling Nadine Dorries’ attempt to win I’m A Celebrity, so we decided to strike economically instead,’ explained Grand Master Hermann von Rosencrantz. ‘I changed my name to Graham Saunders, went to work for Foxtons in Shoreditch and bided my time.’
Posted: Mar 7th, 2014
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The result of the bidding to be the next country to be invaded by Russia during an Olympics are set to be announced at a glitzy ceremony in St Tropez later today.
The competition hasn’t been as fierce as expected in the race to follow in the footsteps of Poland in 1920, Hungary in 1956, the 1968 event in Czechoslovakia and the more recent hosts Georgia and Ukraine as had been expected.
Posted: Mar 7th, 2014
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David Cameron and Barack Obama have today ruled out the possibility of taking any military action in Ukraine, on the grounds that Russia definitely does have Weapons of Mass Destruction. ‘We don’t need to send in Hans Blix to justify anything this time’, explained the Prime Minister.
Posted: Mar 6th, 2014
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Barack Obama has controversially announced measures to limit firearm access for the under-threes. US citizens under the age of three may soon be limited to the ownership of four fire-arms per child, and monkeys could be left without weaponry entirely.
Posted: Jan 6th, 2014
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