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Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
More from UK News



Politicians turn to the hashtag to implement policies

Now that he ‘s discovered the bandwagon for tweeting a selfie holding a popular hashtag, David Cameron is planning sweeping reforms of the way that power is wielded in the corridors of Westminster.

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Posted: May 12th, 2014
More from News In Brief



World reacts with ‘surprising speed’ to Nigerian abduction – one month later

With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden – hostages improve with time.

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Posted: May 11th, 2014
More from World News



Men demand multiple orgasms in exchange for equitable pay

men 'prepared to go on strike' over this, although not being taken seriouslyAs one of the key electoral issues of the Scottish independence debate emerges, men have said they are willing to concede ground on equal pay provided they are compensated from areas of female monopoly such as extended life-spans, wardrobe space and ‘knee trembling duration’.

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Posted: May 7th, 2014
More from UK News



‘Birthers’ conflicted after Obama’s birth certificate proves he is son of God

on a mission to heal the sickRepublican conspiracy theorists have reported bewilderment today after their persistent claims for documentary evidence of the President’s place of birth were answered by a birth certificate confirming that Barack Obama was born neither in Hawaii or Kenya, but in a stable in Bethlehem.

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Posted: Apr 19th, 2014
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