*

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

Reaction to the announcement in Washington has been split down party lines. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi summed up the feelings of many Democrats when she described the plans as ‘sounding absolutely delicious’, a sentiment echoed by Vice President Joe Biden, who said that it made him ‘hungry just thinking about it’.

Senior Republicans, however, were more cautious or openly hostile. Republican House Speaker, John Boehner, a fierce critic of Obama’s holiday plans last month, said that the President’s dinner plans amounted to ‘nothing more than a reheating of last night’s leftovers, with a few extra vegetables thrown in to court the left-wingers of the Democratic party ahead of the 2012 election’.

Analysts have generally reacted with cautious optimism to the details of the menu. Dan Spengler, foods analyst at UBS, praised the soup starter as a welcome boost to small businesses, especially if the vegetables were cut nice and thick. ‘The soup is definitely a good start. And the choice of ciabatta [an italian bread seasoned with olive oil and marjoram] is a bold move that could signal a more ‘European’ approach of deficit spending to create badly-needed jobs in the economy,’ said Spengler.

The main course has so far caused the most controversy. The combination of Lincolnshire pork sausages, boiled new potatoes with butter, Moroccan ‘zaalouk’ salad and fava beans stewed in a rich tomato sauce caught many off guard. In his speech, Obama referred to it as a ‘coalition of the tasty’, but Aariz Hadad, a Middle East scholar at Columbia University, sees it as tokensim: ‘The inclusion of the zaalouk is really just a fig leaf to disguise the fact that the sausage and new potatoes are going to be doing the heavy lifting in the battle to prevent Sasha and Malia from demanding additional snacks before bedtime.’

Many Republicans, with an eye to their conservative Christian base, are said to be unhappy about the choice of words for the ‘fava bean’ clause in the dinner plan. ‘In our house, and in the houses of honest, God-fearing Americans across the country, we eat broad beans. This is a typical exercise of style over substance for a style-over-substance President,’ said Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Dessert was the only area of the dinner plan that garnered broad bi-partisan support. ‘The President has reached out across the divide in Washington with his choice of apple pie with ice-cream,’ Vice President Biden said. But while most Republicans were generally in favour, there were rumblings of discontent in the stomachs of others: ‘We urgently need more apple pie, and we need it right now. By this evening I fear it’s going to be too little, too late,’ said Eric Cantor, the Republican majority leader in the House.

‘If there’s any left over, can you save me some?’ he added somewhat pathetically.

‘This is far superior to the chalice of bitter tears I received from Gordon Brown,’ said Obama. ‘I know Nick is valued by the British government for his unerring ability to attract the blame for policy bungles, and I’m excited to see how quickly my approval rating will improve.’

Fox News presenter Sean Hannity has already used his show to blame Clegg for the Missouri tornados, the American civil war and scalding hot coffee, all misfortunes he has historically attributed to Obama.

In exchange Obama presented Cameron with a gift voucher for one use of SEAL Team 6, the military squad that assassinated Osama Bin Laden. The Foreign Office has since advised British travellers not to visit Vince Cable’s house between 3am and 3.40am next Tuesday.

Trump who has made millions from real estate, hotels and casinos is now better known for his TV appearances and very convincing head of hair.  He was seen by some commentators as an outsider for the Republican nomination; ‘It would have been a bit of a risk to go with a maverick outsider who knows nothing about politics or world affairs’ said one Congressman, ‘when we have the safer, more moderate option of Sarah Palin already waiting in the wings.’

But Trump’s no-nonsense Apprentice-style approach was said to have a certain appeal in many of the swing states. ‘Running a country is no different to running a business’ said a spokesman for the Trump campaign.  ‘And if Detroit doesn’t shape up, it should have to ship out! If any American cities or states are costing us more in Federal Assistance than they are providing in tax revenues, then they are clearly in the wrong country.  We are not running some Communist charity here!’

Trump was apparently thinking of giving challenging tasks to various states, such as asking Rhode Island to come up with an exit strategy for Iraq, or asking Maine to rebuild New Orleans. ‘Each week we could have lost one star from the star spangled banner, until we were just left with all the winners.’

His favourites for the chop were West Virginia, two of New York City’s five boroughs and Hawaii.  ‘Hawaii isn’t actually making a loss,’ confessed Trump, ‘but that was the only way we thought we could prove that President Obama had not been born in the USA.’

‘My guppies go mad for Bin Laden’s head’, commented one customer, ‘although I was a little worried that it may risk becoming a shrine for some of the more militant fish.’ The White House has questioned the decision to market an aerating Bin Laden, as this may give the impression that the Al Qaeda leader was still breathing when he was buried at sea. ‘We would prefer patriotic families to decorate their fish tanks with the new model U.S. Navy Seals, which buzz about on the surface rescuing stricken servicemen or presidential poll ratings.’

The sunken Bin Laden model is in the tradition of a whole range of novelty sunken celebrities designed to brighten up tropical fish tanks including Robert Maxwell (for larger tanks), Natalie Wood and Mary Jo Kopenchne who comes in a realistic sunken model of Ted Kennedy’s car.  But this latest model has upset some Islamic militants who claim that it demeans the dead leader of Al Qaeda. ‘Nah…’ chuckled one supplier of the ‘Bubbling Bin’; ‘…all them pictures of Osama lying around watching himself on television and dyeing his beard already did that.’

Kuifje

‘This leaves us in a bit of a fix,’ admitted leading right-wing sceptic Donald Trump. ‘On the one hand we know once and for all that Obama is not a natural-born citizen of the United States and is ineligible for the presidency. But on the other he is the human incarnation of Almighty God, and that’s likely to play pretty well among our church-going grass-roots supporters. Even so, you show me where in the Bible it says that these healthcare reforms are the divine will of God.’

The copy of Obama’s ‘long form’ birth certificate provides conclusive proof that he was born in a manger in the Holy land on 25 December to parents Mary and Joseph. It is signed by the attending shepherds, witnessed by three wise men and carries the official stamp of the Judean authorities.

‘It’s difficult to know how to proceed,’ continued Trump. ‘We could oust the President on the grounds that he was not born in the US, but then he could smite us where we stand and damn us for all eternity. In hindsight, I can’t believe the founding fathers didn’t specify in the Constitution that the Commander-in-Chief’s mother can’t be a virgin or his father the deity of a major world religion.’

Disillusioned by Obama’s seemingly infallible status, some birthers are now turning their attention to questioning the credentials of other famous authority figures. ‘I think this Jesus guy maybe wasn’t all he claimed,’ said one. ‘Firstly, I’d argue that the King of the Jews lost his citizenship when his family fled to Egypt. And secondly, he was almost certainly a Muslim. Look, we found this birth certificate for Jesus Hussein Christ.’

David Cameron has shown fellow heads of state that Britain is unafraid to come down hard on Libya and impose a no-fly zone, providing that President Obama is OK with things.

The Prime Minister made the announcement at this morning’s press conference, telling reporters: ‘Enough is enough. Gaddafi needs to be shown that we are watching him with grave disapproval and, as long as Barack Obama doesn’t tell me otherwise, we will be raising a UN resolution to consider instigating a no-fly zone over Libya.’

Downing Street later claimed that this threat had left Colonel Gadaffi ‘speechless’, as he pointedly made no reference to it in his latest TV address during which he was only able to laugh uncontrollably.