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Posts Tagged ‘benefits’

David Cameron: ‘Unemployed young can muck out my stables’

The Conservative Party has promised to come down hard on young ne’er do wells, by compelling them to ‘polish Tory silverware’. Rather than being an Etonian euphemism, the aim is to put those without employment or training into meaningful community work; such as cleaning moats, feeding the pheasants and handing out lemon-grass scented hand towels.

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Posted: Feb 17th, 2015
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Iain Duncan Smith to host primetime TV immigration quiz show

Fair, transparent and completely on scheduleThe contestants face a series of interrogations from both Duncan Smith and ‘The Wanker’, a mystery voice from the DWP who sneers derisively at their pleas on the end of a telephone line.

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Posted: Dec 22nd, 2014
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All benefits must be collected from top of mountain says Iain Duncan Smith

high benefitsPeople suffering from clinical depression will be allowed to forgo the mountain altogether and collect their benefits from the depths of an abyss.

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Posted: Nov 10th, 2014
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IDS stays in bed with curtains closed, neighbours say

‘It’s since he made a balls of Universal Credits,’ said one. ‘It’s the only proper job he’s had and he knows nobody will employ him in future.’

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Posted: Jun 8th, 2014
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Benefit claimants pleased at prospect of zero-hour contracts

In what appears to be the perfect deal for those either unable or reluctant to work, the government plans to push claimants off benefits and into jobs they will not have to do. The rationale being that if people only have to work zero hours, they will have plenty of time to make money elsewhere.

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Posted: May 7th, 2014
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