NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Posts Tagged ‘benefits’

Large Hadron Collider could let foreign particles in, complains Farage

looks like a giant arsehole, and so does the LHCNigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ for the general election.

‘Frankly we just don’t have the infrastructure to assimilate all these new particles’, Farage raged, taking an earnest boggle-eyed bantam stance. ‘It has been openly admitted that we don’t really know where all these ‘exotic particles’ originate and we know far less about their skills and employment records. How do we know that the minute these particles are created, they won’t go straight on benefits?’

Read more >

Posted: Apr 8th, 2015
More from Science/Technology



David Cameron: ‘Unemployed young can muck out my stables’

The Conservative Party has promised to come down hard on young ne’er do wells, by compelling them to ‘polish Tory silverware’. Rather than being an Etonian euphemism, the aim is to put those without employment or training into meaningful community work; such as cleaning moats, feeding the pheasants and handing out lemon-grass scented hand towels.

Read more >

Posted: Feb 17th, 2015
More from News In Brief



Iain Duncan Smith to host primetime TV immigration quiz show

Fair, transparent and completely on scheduleThe contestants face a series of interrogations from both Duncan Smith and ‘The Wanker’, a mystery voice from the DWP who sneers derisively at their pleas on the end of a telephone line.

Read more >

Posted: Dec 22nd, 2014
More from From The Archives



All benefits must be collected from top of mountain says Iain Duncan Smith

high benefitsPeople suffering from clinical depression will be allowed to forgo the mountain altogether and collect their benefits from the depths of an abyss.

Read more >

Posted: Nov 10th, 2014
More from From The Archives



IDS stays in bed with curtains closed, neighbours say

‘It’s since he made a balls of Universal Credits,’ said one. ‘It’s the only proper job he’s had and he knows nobody will employ him in future.’

Read more >

Posted: Jun 8th, 2014
More from News In Brief