[Spoilers Ahead]  The Bible is the story of the creation of the earth, as seen through the lives of an extended Jewish family through the ages, who end up leaving things in a bit of a mess, forcing God to send his son down to try and sort things out. Unfortunately, although he is reasonably successful in getting people to try to be nice to each other, he ends up being executed after being betrayed to the Romans (the villains of the book) by one of his best mates.

Eoin is quietly confident that he will be able to do the book justice with the sequel, simply telling us that he is looking forward to the challenge – ‘I think there will be something for everyone. Traditionalists will appreciate the return of several popular characters from the Bible, and readers who didn’t warm to the original book will be relived to know that there will be less of the condescending moral tone of the original, along with some great new action sequences.’

But he refuses to be drawn on whether many people’s favourite character from the Bible, Jesus of Nazareth, will return. ‘Everyone asks me if Jesus Christ is coming back. It was hinted at in the original book, but I’m making no promises!’

The Bible is one of the most successful books ever written – second only to the Harry Potter series in gross revenues.

Vicars have often struggled to convince people with even a basic understanding of how the planet works that the current Bible is still relevant. ‘The old testament in particular has been hard to read aloud without someone sniggering, I’m pleased to see they’ve done away with that bit completely’, admitted David Parsonage, an experienced vicar of two. ‘All that smiting, vengeance and impossible levels of rainfall just distract from our core message: ‘try not to be too much of a dick’.’

Controversially, the new edition of the book has updated the names of some characters, and Jesus has been removed completely. ‘He’s been a bit hard to relate to since the ‘70s, if I’m honest’, explained co-author Ken Flowers. ‘If a kid is faced by a bearded man in sandals claiming that if they follow him they will experience endless love, they’re probably going to report him to Childline. That’s why we’ve replaced him with a talking bear called Nigel, who looks sad if you drop litter, or knock something over.’

Flowers believes parables and metaphors can confuse the modern audience. ‘There’s often a fundamental misunderstanding of the old version’, sighed the author, ‘which is why we’ve asked Professor Brian Cox to proof-read the new version for technical accuracy. For instance, we now claim ‘it is more difficult to push a balloon through the eye of a Dyson bladeless fan than it is for a weird man to enter a Klingon convention.’ Brian wasn’t sure what we can really learn from that, but it is at least scientifically provable.’
Some groups claim the new text isn’t open enough to deliberate misinterpretation. ‘It’s all very well replacing the ten commandments with the suggestion that you ‘think twice before doing something that you might later regret’’, complained Orson Shapwell, the head of an obscure church that worships fish, ‘but substituting angels with ‘a chance that someone might see you doing that’ doesn’t give us much room for manoeuvre.’

‘My flock relies on me to tell them what to think, and I’m pleased to say they’ll believe almost anything’, declared Shapwell. ‘If I suddenly start asking them to ‘listen to their conscience’ or ‘behave in case they get caught’, I could be out of a job. If you ask me, it’s putting a bit too much faith in humanity; ‘don’t expect too much from people, a lot of them are bastards’, to quote the Good Bear Nigel.’

‘We live in a culture where too much emphasis is put on expensive clothes and high-profile brands,’ said Dr Williams, wearing hand-embroidered silk robes and a gold mitre, and addressing his audience from the pulpit of the Church of England’s flagship outlet. ‘It’s all very cynical, and with advertising playing on their fears, it’s no wonder vulnerable people end up following the crowd. Trust me, I know just how easy it is to be sucked into believing cynical claims that couldn’t possibly be true.’

The archbishop went on to warn that if the underlying excuses for smashing up shops and stealing things aren’t dealt with, the disorder could be repeated. ‘Ask yourself, ‘what would Jesus do?’. You’ll be surprised just how often he would have unthinkingly backed you up, perhaps even helped you carry a 32-inch plasma screen TV back to your flat. That’s the beauty of taking advice from imaginary friends – they always give you the answer you’re looking for.’

‘Think of it this way,’ he continued. ‘We don’t condemn Jesus for upsetting the tables of the money lenders at the temple, but is that really any different to turning over a JD Sports in Brixton? You cannot ask criminals who got caught up in the moment to take responsibility for their actions. After all, you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, just like you can’t feed 5,000 without first smashing in the front of a McDonalds.’

But Dr Williams was quick to avoid any suggestion of hypocrisy and suggested that the Bible had all the answers. ‘When faced with temptation, just ask yourself whether Jesus would he have accepted goods gained immorally. I’ve thought about it and persuaded myself that’s exactly what Jesus would do, especially if he really fancied a pair of trendy new sandals. Hey, not even Jesus got through life without a criminal record.’

‘Well, this is a bit of a surprise,’ said Raymond Muldowney, a mild-mannered deputy bank manager from the Isle of Wight. ‘Apparently I’m in charge of all precious metal deposits in southern Africa now!’

Muldowney admitted that he is more at ease with handing out hymn books than paying off local militias, and is struggling with middle management appointments, given that it is woe unto the rich, the strong, the Pharisees and anyone else who ever had anything to do with organising things.

‘I hate to make a fuss,’ he said. ‘I asked those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, but they’ve been filled and are sleeping it off, and the pure in heart are just wandering around in a bit of daydream after getting the Kingdom of Heaven. Perhaps my wife could ask some of her friends at the bridge club?’

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams, who made the inflammatory remark in a new year message, has been ‘on the radar’ of America’s state department since he accepted an invitation to speak to a gathering of the Ku-Klux-Klan.

Williams has said that he accepted the invitation only because he ‘shares a dress sense’ with the Klan’s Grand Wizard.

‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about,’ Dr Williams said. ‘Anybody would think I was advocating burning the bloody book.’

The success of The Bible took many by surprise. Its unique marketing model – in which churches, hotels and door to door salesmen were drafted in to complement the normal sales channels – ensured it was a massive hit.

But some believe the Messiah has handled his business empire badly. ‘OK, Jesus made a lot of money out of The Bible, no question,’ said a disciple close to the Lamb of God. ‘But he did nothing to protect the movie rights. So now we see this odd situation where Mel Gibson gets to exploit the King of the Jews.’

Waste and recycling technician Brian Burridge, 43, described how he received the iPad in a blinding flash while out on his rounds: ‘I’d just parked the bin lorry ’round the back of PC World, and was having a look in the skip to see if there was anything I could flog on eBay, when BAM! Suddenly I was holding this gadget.’

Burridge claims that God told him from on high to look in the My Documents folder, open up a file labelled new_commandments.doc and then spread the word among the faithful. The Lord then apologised for taking so long to communicate with believers, but explained that he’d written the document in Microsoft Word had been experiencing compatibility issues.

The document, controversially written in Comic Sans MS font, rather than the expected Times New Roman, reiterates the original Ten Commandments, but continues with a new set of guidelines designed to ‘help the pious Christian in these modern times.’ Directives include ‘thou shalt not covet thy colleague’s broadband speed’, ‘thou shalt not unplug a USB device without first disabling it properly’ and ‘thou shalt not use thy neighbour’s unprotected wi-fi connection without his knowledge.’

God’s latest holy writ then goes on to outline the secret of eternal happiness and reveals the exact date of the second coming of Christ. Unfortunately Burridge is unable to divulge these details as this part of the file has been corrupted by a virus. PC experts are now studying the iPad and have confirmed that it has been infected by a Trojan, downloaded, judging by the browsing history, from teensexcams.ru. ‘Remember the twelfth commandment,’ warned a Church of England IT spokesman, ‘one shall not format one’s hard drive before first backing up one’s files.’

31 January 2010

The new Bible will feature a graffiti artist named ‘Danger’ in place of the more familiar Jesus character. ‘The current Bible has really been holding the Church back recently,’ claimed the Archbishop of York. ‘We’re trying to make the Church relevant to a modern audience, but all that gay-bashing fire-and-brimstone just puts people off. We’re looking for something a lot more edgy, more urban – think art house cinema meets illegal dance party.’

Traditionalists were outraged by the move, claiming the original Bible was ‘the inspired word of God,’ which applied whether it was fashionable or not. However the Archbishop of Canterbury responded that they needed to ‘get with it’, and that the new text would be the ‘dopest, sickest and most fly religious text ever to come out of the hood, man.’