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Posts Tagged ‘Birmingham’

HS2 abandoned in favour of rebuilding Birmingham 10 minutes closer to London

now to overcome the language barrier‘This would shorten journey times between London and Birmingham by the same amount as HS2, but would also have the added benefit of reducing the length of the M40, delivering a significant boost to the road haulage industry.’

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Posted: Jul 14th, 2014
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Woman refuses to give birth in Primark

not even the 50% off signs could tempt her inDespite being wracked with labour pains and hobbled by a small head erupting from her vagina, an unnamed 28-year-old woman from Birmingham has been hailed as a hero for resolutely refusing to be lulled by Primark’s promise of cut-price designer wear and give birth in the shop.

As her waters broke, her cervix dilated and her 25%-off voucher expired, the woman dragged herself away from the lure of a sale on floral dresses. Groaning as her membranes ruptured, every maternal instinct made her abandon a rail of bargain kids’ clothing in the hope that her child would be born to a better future, with better stitching.

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Posted: Jul 2nd, 2014
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Britain taken over by ‘culturally isolated’ schools linked to extreme wealth

A joint Ofsted-MI5 report released today revealed the extent to which Britain is being run by former pupils of a shady network of schools, open only to individuals with links to extreme wealth. Many of the schools apparently hide their activities behind high stone walls and ‘educate’ under the pretence of being charities.

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Posted: Jun 10th, 2014
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New Midlands Lighthouse fails to warn public of presence of hidden Birmingham

The refracting lighthouse placed on top of the new Maritime and Coastguard Agency headquarters in the West Midlands has ‘totally failed to keep strangers away from Birmingham’, with more people than ever arriving broken and washed up in the city centre, having been caught in the strong, treacherous currents of the one-way system, it was claimed yesterday.

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Posted: Dec 12th, 2012
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Post-conference bender leaves Osborne with ‘spider’s web’ face tattoo

A regrettable night on the razz to celebrate the end of the Conservative Party conference has left Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne sporting a massive spider’s web tattoo on his face.

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Posted: Oct 11th, 2012
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