The luxury car maker said that problems include tail-gating, finger flicking, inability to manage indicators, getting stuck in the overtaking lane, and spontaneous explosions of anger apparently ignited by attempts by other car models to overtake.

‘The recall is purely a precautionary measure,’ a BMW spokesman said. ‘Drivers who notice any of the faults in themselves should report to any authorised BMW dealer for a free overhaul or a replacement driver will be offered.’

But BMW owner Jeremy Mates said he hadn’t noticed any problems.

‘Some other models –whatever they’re called – may get in the way, but I just sit up their arse for a few miles,’ he said, ‘overtake without indicating just to rile ‘em, show them a finger and mouth a few well-chosen expletives – then I’m off down what I call the BMW lane for the rest of the journey.

‘Excuse my German, but recall my tail-gating arse.’

UK supermarket giants are vowing to curb the rise of so-called ‘BMW badge abuse’.

For many years supermarkets have been required to provide special parking spaces close to the store entrance for BMW drivers, clearly marked, inexplicably, with a picture of a man sitting on a gym ball. However recent research shows that more and more people are parking cars in these spaces that not only aren’t BMWs, but aren’t even German.

‘These spaces are designed so that our drivers don’t have to walk as far as ordinary car owners’ explained spokesman Paul Jones ‘But we are seeing an alarming rise in people parking any old car there and displaying a disabled badge, as if this were an acceptable substitute for owning the ultimate driving machine. Some BMW drivers have given shocking accounts of having to walk the slightly longer distance from the parent and child spaces, laden with heavy and expensive deli items, and it has to stop.’

Research also suggests that up to 50% of people who do display a BMW badge don’t actually own a BMW themselves but have instead borrowed the badge from a friend or family member. One report claimed that a Tesco customer parked a 15 year old Vauxhall Corsa in a BMW parking bay, walking into the store with not even a hint of an arrogant swagger or smug, self-satisfied smirk.

‘Some of the cars made up to look like BMWs can look highly convincing at first glance’  said Ruben Maxwell-Howse, president of the BMW Owners’ Guild ‘But these drivers give themselves away when they use their indicators to back into the space.’

The first ever Grand Prix along London’s outer ring motorway was won yesterday by new boy Wayne Norton, 22, driving a BMW for the Bowater-Hills (Top Glazing at Affordable Prices) team based in Woking. ‘I only started with the team yesterday,’ said a delighted Mr Norton, ‘I went in by train, met everyone for the first time and picked up the car which, I have to say, I do feel very comfortable with. I then drove it back to my flat in Reigate, quite slowly of course, to familiarise myself with the track.’

The race covers a distance of 47 miles over one lap, with a gap of eight hours in the middle during which time Mr Norton will be ‘keeping the sponsors happy’ by selling double glazing to pensioners. ‘That’s the bit I don’t like,’ he said, ‘but obviously the team has to be funded somehow.’

Mr Norton’s remarkable victory was a testament to his driving ability, with several daring passes on teams from Mercedes, Honda and Iveco, and one inspirational move to overtake a Ferrari which then regained the lead but retired with engine trouble soon afterwards.

He said, ‘I have to say the Toyotas weren’t as competitive as I thought they’d be, but I suppose when someone like me with a bit of fire in his belly comes along well, they’re just going to move out of the way, aren’t they. Sure they’ve got a lot of experience under their belts, but you can see from their faces that most of them haven’t got the stomach for it any more. They’re just ‘jobbers’ now, really.’

The race is set to be held every weekday for the foreseeable future with Mr Norton promising to make an attempt on the lap record each time, at least until he goes to Corfu for a week with his glamourous new girlfriend once the other members of the team have all come back from their holidays.

In the future he hasn’t ruled out a move to one of the better-funded teams. ‘Mercedes would be good,’ he said, ‘but I’ve still got a lot to learn here and a lot of experience to gain so I’ll sit tight for a while. Besides, if you drive for Mercedes, the sponsors want you to talk a lot about curtain walling or something, and I really don’t know anything about that.’

The Government has decreed that all high-powered sports cars will have to comply with a new law designed to reduce carbon emissions. From January 1st all cars with an engine size of greater than three litres will have to display a separate license, similar to a taxi plate, clearly stating the size of the driver’s penis.
Porsche have claimed that their decision to withdraw completely from the UK market on the same date is ‘entirely coincidental’
and denied that their customers would be the worst affected.

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson blasted the idea before announcing that he had succumbed to ‘Global Warming guilt’ and was downgrading his car to a one point three Renault. ‘Little’ Richard Hammond however was surprisingly seen at the Ferrari showroom smugly ordering a top of the range model and an illuminated plate.

Other British drivers have been lobbying the Government to embrace the metric system so that six inches may appear as a bold fifteen cm.. Female motorists welcomed the move and are exempt from the law by default. ‘It’s not just a matter of anatomy’ explained the Transport Minister. ‘Very few women are attracted to these brash and expensive vehicles, though the ones that are might have to display the penis size of their footballer husband.’

Another law was blocked by SUV drivers who won an appeal against their IQs being displayed on their cars. It was successfully argued that in the vast majority of cases the simple 4 x 4 multiplication on the back of their vehicles already gave the correct answer.

See also Jeremy Clarkson launches ‘Squashed Animal Watch’

PC Gerry Strachan of the Avon and Somerset force said he had never seen anything like it before in his ten years in the police service. ‘We came onto the M5 at Junction 12 and we saw a BMW behaving strangely; the driver of the car was aware of other road users and even let someone in front of him when using the outside lane.’

The police followed the car for some miles, on suspicion that it must have been stolen by a non-BMW owner ‘There was no attempt at any time by the driver to drive any closer than three foot of the car in front. Even in queuing traffic the car made no attempt to beat the queue by diving up the fast lane to cut in, the driver obviously was not thinking for a moment that he was any more important than any other road user.’

A spokesman for BMW said ‘This is a one off incident and the public should not draw any general conclusions about BMW drivers from this one unrepresentative driver. Anyway, can’t chat too long – I’m driving…’

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