‘We aim to cater for the needs of all our customers,’ said a TfL spokeman, ‘so it’s about time we had carriages where people who like to treat outdated conjecture as fact can do so without being judged. The ‘White Is Right’ carriages will be at the rear of our trams and will include buffet cars selling cans of special brew, pregnancy test kits and signed photos of Nick Griffin kicking a black person in the face. There will be a strict no-filming policy.’

The scheme has been announced following a racist incident on a recent Croydon-to-Wimbledon tramlink service. The victim of the abuse was particularly upset at being told to go back to where they came from, which in this case was Mitcham.

Shandy

Traditionally the BNP has taken an oppositional policy when faced with foreign nationals in the UK on the basis of economic and social protectionism. Indeed, appearing at a recent political blockade of the urban/hip hop section of HMV in Picadilly Circus, Mr Griffin had argued that by invading the UK charts with her non-British pop music, Rihanna ‘was stealing chart positions from genuine British artists’ such as BNP favourite Cheryl Tweedy.

Yet rumours have circulated that several party members have refused to tow the line culminating in reports that some influential members missed the weekly darts tournament to watch Sunday’s X Factor, which featured Miss Fenty. This was strongly denied by Mr Griffin, who maintained that those absent had attended a gypsy stoning.

However, it has emerged that Griffin demanded that members are balloted on ’whether Rihanna was fitter than Cheryl Tweedy’. The vote went against him however, with half of the members admitting that were willing to ‘reject their hitherto staunch opposition to non-Brits on the basis of Rihanna’s thighs’. ‘She’s not all that black really’ added one member.

Outside their Regional HQ at the Burnley Working Men’s Club, Mr Griffin spoke of his dismay, saying ‘this is yet another example of someone of colour coming into this country and stealing all the airplay. I can tell you that up and down the country their will be a lot of disappointed women who will be feeling let down by the same people who are meant to be protecting our gene pool. I really thought we’d cracked it when we saw off that Beyonce.’

The BNP now faces an uncertain future and there is a genuine risk that the party might split resulting in legions of disenfranchised racists. Mr Griffin has urged members of the party to ‘embrace Cheryl Tweedy or risk political oblivion’ and went on to warn that ‘soon we may no longer be trusted by the honest White Man because he will see us as a party which clearly accept blacks, even if is just when it suits us. And in that case, he might as well join the Conservatives.’

SingingHinny

‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m no tolerantist,’ said John Webster, head of the BNP’s Walthamstow branch, ‘but I’ve always said it’s good for the spread of racism that we open our doors to all creeds and colours. And it’s worked wonders – now we’ve got all kinds of people being racist.’

But Webster’s progressive views on racism have concerned older BNP members. ‘Racism is becoming such a broad church,’ said one. ‘They’re letting anyone in these days, no questions asked – and some of them are openly broad minded. Bloody foreigners. Coming over here, diversifying our racist organisations.’

And the appointment of a uniformity officer has met with little support from many in Walthamstow. ‘What a load of un-PC rubbish. As if we need to be told how to discriminate.’

Ahead of a highly prestigious United Nations awards ceremony, where her humanitarian efforts were to be recognised in front of an audience containing senior politicians and diplomats from around the world, Marion and her parents were just leaving her home to be taken by Limousine to a London hotel. It was as they pulled out that her father, Sid, tapped on the glass and asked the driver to stop at their local convenience store so he could purchase his cigarettes. ‘But not,’ sighed Marion, ‘exactly in those words’.

‘I thought I had it all covered tonight,’ she continued, ‘I’d made sure he knew Ban Ki-moon was Korean, definitely not Japanese, and it was a perfectly warm evening anyway so I would expect no comments about the temperature. I’d reminded him that if the subject of US politics and the presidency came up that ‘mixed race’ is the preferred term these days. Then he drops the P bomb on me, and my preparation’s right out the window.’

‘Suddenly I’m back at my school prize-giving and paralysed with mortification watching him talking to Mrs Atwood, who’s married to Mr Gandhi the chemistry teacher, and he’s doing that head-bobbling impression he picked up from ‘It Ain’t Half hot Mum’. What is it with parents?’ Marion asked, ‘I’d have better luck doing Wife Swap with Nick Griffin.’

The most frustrating thing for the leading campaigner is that her father appears completely oblivious to her concerns. ‘He still doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Like tonight, he just says ‘Mr Singh doesn’t mind when I say it, and he’s not even one of ’em’, and that ‘I should hear what Mr Singh says about that nice Polack family around the corner’. Honestly, I sometimes think he genuinely believes that these are the proper technical terms. I wonder if it’s too late for me to take up that 12 month post doing tribal conflict studies in the depths of the Amazon?’

Other members of Marion’s family are more sympathetic to her plight. ‘Sid’s of a different age and doesn’t really appreciate the sensitivities of the modern world, and the embarrassment he might cause Marion,’ said her mother, Celia. ‘But at least in me she has one parent who understands what’s important in her life. She’s a modern, successful woman in her late thirties with a high profile career and an immense intellect. Every day I tell her, she’s never going to get a husband going on like that.’

Coming over here, catching our rays

Billy Thompkins of Dagenham has had his British National Party membership revoked after a weekend’s sunbathing gave him a look that party officials have described as ‘swarthy’ and ‘un-British’. BNP regulations state that members should aim to adopt a pasty look at all times, though an embarrassing scarlet colour is permitted during the summer months.

‘How could they do this to me,’ complained Mr Thompkins. ‘I was always one of the first to shout abuse when new immigrants arrived on the estate, and my ringtone is God Save the Queen. It’s not my fault that I go brown in the sun. I can’t believe they’re persecuting me because of the colour of my skin.’

It’s understood that the BNP has offered Mr Thompkins’ membership to his less sun-loving neighbour, an albino Arab.

Svendo

‘This is political correctness gone mad,’ complained a Mensa spokesman today. ‘The whole point of the organisation is that only the most intelligent get in. If we’re forced to accept a mongrel band of the intellectually impure, we’ll lose our identity and our heritage in no time. My grandfather didn’t sweat blood over his calculus for these dunces. Bloody racists, coming over here and taking our tests.’

Applicants to Mensa have traditionally had to undergo a series of stringent logic tests to prove their higher than average intelligence, but the more difficult puzzles and conundrums have now been removed to avoid disadvantaging thick-as-shit fascists. The new ‘equal opportunities’ test will include challenges such as ‘name the animal’, a tricky 10-point dot-to-dot, and the decisive ‘How many fingers am I holding up?’ puzzle.

Despite the organisation’s objections, BNP leader Nick Griffin today became the latest proud recipient of Mensa’s ‘Top 100%’ membership card after passing the test on his fourth attempt. ‘Let this show our detractors that in Britain you won’t be judged on who you are or what you look like. It’s your ability alone that counts,’ he told reporters, before giving a three-fingered victory salute and adding, ‘Me done clever!’

Sadly Mr Griffin’s celebrations were cut short when Mensa suddenly cancelled his membership. It turned out that he had failed the group’s ethnicity test after it was discovered that both his parents were black.

Kevin, 57 from North London, insists that he has no particular interest in right-wing politics, although admitted that his choice of clothes and haircut do not help people separate his appearance from the man who was responsible for the death of fifty million people. ‘Sure I have a moustache, but why should I shave it off just because a few people have a problem with some long-dead foreign leader? And I like to wear smart clothes; who doesn’t? That’s my right in a free country and yet it seems even today there are some people determined to take these freedoms away. If it wasn’t for all the Jews and Communists trying to take over the banks we wouldn’t have all these problems.’

Kevin says his misfortune to happen to look like the greatest monster of the twentieth century has led to problems at work, where he has been suspended from dealing with members of the public at Stamford Hill Library. ‘Apparently my physical appearance does not fit in with the ‘politically correct’ template required by a minority of browsers at the library. We get a lot of Hasidic Jews in the Library and one or two single-issue fanatics thought they had a right to tell the council how their librarians should dress.’

Chief librarian Brian Philpot said ‘It wasn’t just the clothes. It was the way Kevin stamped the library books, with his own special Third Reich stamp. Sometimes people would be browsing in the travel section and he would demand to see their papers.’ Kevin was eventually put in the back office where he was made responsible for ordering books but even this led to problems at the library in the predominantly Jewish part of North London. ‘Can you believe the library didn’t have one copy of Mein Kampf?’ said Kevin in an increasingly noticeable German accent. ‘I mean if people could only put the politics to one side, it’s a damn good read. But in my experience the Jews see anti-Semitism in everything. Hitler, Goering, Goebbels; they can’t have all been anti-Semitic. So how come it is OK to be prejudiced against the Nazis, but not against Gypsies and genetically defective social deviants?’

Eventually the political and personal differences between Kevin and his boss Brian led to a physical clash that saw violence between the two men breaking out in the non-fiction section of the library shelves. Kevin shoved Brian back all the way to the newspapers and magazines until Brian rallied and forced Kevin right out of the library, although the devastation wreaked will take decades to put right. ‘It was a glorious victory for the People’s Soviet of Stamford Hill Library,’ said Stalin look-a-like Brian Philpot. ‘But now the Kulaks are not returning their books on time and these class-enemies of the revolution must be destroyed.’

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