In a cagey interview with Fox News, Bertram (3) admitted ruffling a few feathers after assuming he was entitled to the No. 1 spot in the pecking order. ‘I’m not ducking the issue, but it seems like it’s open season on me. People forget that I’m the bird brain who brought you ‘The Eggs Factor’ and ‘Britain’s Got Talons’, crowed the expert, who was bred to produce fresh meat.

‘If this continues, I might migrate to warmer climes and start a new career writing novels from the female point of view. I reckon I’d be good at chick lit.’

Clarky, hat-tip to Username

The show aims to uncover the best new judging talent in the country, and has been hailed as a ‘shot in the arm’ by performers who welcome the fresh approach to spouting off that the new-comers bring.

Starting with a 100-foot-long panel of 20 judges back in July, audiences have seen the amateur arbiters advise, condemn then praise the same four session singers with the least popular judge voted off each week, leaving three would-be professional pontificators going into the final this weekend.

‘Judging is my dream – always has been,’ sobbed 28-year-old Liverpool hairdresser, Sarah Hughes. ‘I’ve been judging in pubs and clubs for years now and this is my last chance. This means everything to me. If only me nan was here…’

Fellow finalist Paul Kopanias, a hairdresser from East London, echoed this desire to be the last judge sitting on Sunday. ‘I started judging as a kid in my bedroom, watching Top of the Pops from behind a desk, mouthing platitudes and put-downs after each act. It’s been a dream come true to get this far, but I want to go all the way. It’ll just come down to how I judge on the night.’

Rounding out the final three, Shane Daniels, the Glasgow hairdresser who has made the ‘trick U-turn’ comment his own, added: ‘To be honest…it isn’t good that I’ve made it to the final…it’s great that I’ve got to the final! Actually…I don’t want to win…I need to win! This doesn’t, in fact, mean everything to me…it’s more important than that!’

Social commentators have pointed out that the phenomenal success of the show may signal a shift in the aspirations of young people who are no longer prepared to put in the time and effort needed to win a singing contest as their shortcut to fame, and now see judging as the ultimate free ride to riches. Seasoned pros like Sharon Osbourne and Dr Fox have also protested that this is not fair on hard-working judges who had to slog their way up to the top table.

Despite the naysayers, however, the success of ‘Britain’s Got Judges’ has definitely not gone unnoticed among channel bosses with ‘How to Judge Good Naked’, ‘Celebrity Judge Island’ and ‘Cowell’s Judging Nightmares’ already in the pipeline for the New Year.

The X-86J is a vehicle rarely used by the British army due to the incredibly poor protection offered to the left hand passenger seat, which Mr Morgan will occupy. The army very much hopes this information doesn’t reach the wrong hands.

‘Piers is a national treasure’, Major General Gordon Messenger announced today, ‘and if he were to come to any harm, perhaps during rest stops, which are scheduled between 1015 and 1045h at grid reference 12-65-168-1548, then the morale of our brave troops would be shattered. We would have no choice but to surrender. I pray to God this information is not used against us by our enemies.’

‘This is an outrageous smear campaign,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘Until the 2010 election I had never met Nick and, like most people, had absolutely no idea who he was. He entered the coalition of his own accord and at no stage did I groom him for office. Ok, so I might have asked him to wear the Lady Diana wig, but that was an entirely private matter. Nick has got where he is on merit.’

The allegations, posted by a blogger who claims to have worked for the Tories, says that Clegg was targeted by them at a very young age, first at public school and later at university. He was then given a job working for former Conservative minister Leon Brittan before going on to become a so-called ‘sleeper Tory’ as leader of the Lib Dems.

‘He was clearly being groomed from the start,’ claims the blogger. ‘I know for a fact that before the election Clegg was given voice coaching, a shiny new suit and clear instructions to say anything and sign any pledge that might endear him to the public. The whole thing is obviously a put-up-job.’

Police say that they have traced the blogger to an address in Downing Street, leading many to suspect that the whole story was leaked by Cameron himself in a desperate attempt to generate interest in a flagging format.

‘Coalition’s Got Talent remains a solid brand,’ insisted Cameron. ‘Yes, most of the performers are second-rate and some are clearly nut-jobs, but I am only giving the public what they want.’

Cowell’s show held a commanding lead, with Andrew Lloyd Weber’s ‘How Do You Solve a Problem like Proportional Representation?’ proposal in second place. The Liberal Democrat ‘Yes to AV’ campaign is currently trailing a poor third.

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has spoken out personally against Cowell’s proposals, pointing out that to have a complete unknown catapulted into Downing Street off the strength of a few brief television appearances might well be a recipe for disaster.

The party that placed lowest in the leaked poll were the Conservatives. Their discredited ‘If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It’ campaign remains in tatters after Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne was forced to admit that we were in fact broke after all.

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According to one onlooker Daily Telegraph columnist Walden remained conscious and composed throughout. ‘I suppose she‘s used to it by now,’ he says, ‘but it was like she’d been attacked by that green thing off Ghostbusters.’

Judges Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, Jennifer Ellison and former MP Margaret Beckett quickly reached agreement that this was one of the worst things they had ever witnessed. ‘I had to visit a farm during the foot-and-mouth outbreak and watch them slaughtering cattle,’ says Beckett. ‘I was ankle deep in cow guts and I’d still rather experience that on continuous loop than see Morgan drop his trousers and slither towards that bed for a second time.’

As he was being pulled away Morgan protested that he was just getting into his stride and was building to a huge climax. At which point, Ellison is seen to vomit into a Gucci bag. Llewelyn-Bowen was the first to go for his buzzer as soon as he realised Morgan was attempting docking.
‘He hit his button so hard the large red X above the bed exploded, ‘ says stage hand and fluffer Ted Moffatt. ‘Within seconds all three judges had hit their buzzers with the force of a thousand angry vuvuzelas. The problem was it didn’t look like Piers was in any mood to stop. In his mind, he was already in the semi-finals, if you know what I mean. It was like getting a slug off a lettuce.’

Morgan is now said to be in negotiation with US networks over the conjugal rights to his marriage. ‘This could be the legover I need to make it big in the States,’ he says. ‘I think I can go from making everyone love to hate me, to being the person who everyone hates to see making love.’

Star judge Simon Cowell welcomed the decision as a potent symbol of cultural integration encouraging greater understanding between nations, noting ‘There’s a bloke in Normandy who can cut his toenails in time to the Marseillaise being farted by his elderly mother. Now, that’s the sort of talent we’re looking for.’

However UK contestants are opposed to the ruling as a threat to their heritage, and their prospects of fulfilling ‘every Brit’s dream’ of appearing on the same panto bill as Keith Harris and Orville. Public resistance visibly weakened, though, when it was suggested that the show’s wider exposure on a European stage could finally see Piers Morgan prosecuted as a crime against humanity.

Worried scientists have proved that advanced alien civilisations will now be aware of the pointless banal drudgery that is human civilisation, and will therefore conceal all signs of intelligent life from us.

‘We’re pretty sure the Galaxy is teeming with life,’ said the president of the Royal Society. ‘But quite frankly, we’re now sure they’re simply hiding from us after we’ve been stupid enough to let them see this banal pap.’

Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment.