‘In launching our ISP, we are capturing the quintessential qualities that the public has come to recognise from a nationalised provider,’ said Managing Director, David Smith. ‘We are so confident of our service that I can categorically say that even if your email is sent after 5:30pm, we guarantee its delivery the following day, if not first thing in the morning, certainly by lunchtime. Well let’s say teatime just to be on the safe side. That is, of course, provided that the next day is not a Sunday or a public holiday.’

‘In the usual manner,’ he continued, ‘we are able to deliver packages of all sizes, and if the recipient is not logged in, we promise to leave a simple email giving details of where they can collect their attachments. Unless they look fragile, in which case we’ll just go to their house and chuck them over the gate.’

Mr Smith announced; ‘Customers will have full online access and be able to shop in the usual way. Our joint venture with catalogue retailer Argos is promising to deliver the same standard that High Street shoppers have relished for many years,’ he boasted. ‘At busy times, the internet shopper will be given a number allowing them to visit their chosen website within half an hour of going on line. And, on top of all this, our shopping service will be available, at no extra charge, on Sundays between the hours of 10am and 4pm.’

To differentiate itself from the crowded internet market, the Post Office will charge a set amount for each email sent, offering first and standard class prices for the service. ‘This is a truly innovative pricing structure,’ said BBC’s Technology Correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones, ‘but they have been rather coy about delivery times. I called them last week and they promised to respond by email straight away, but I have yet to receive a reply.’

Mr Smith finished with a plea for customers, ‘There is always a rush at holiday times, so we recommend that all customers email early for Christmas, especially if they are sending large attachments abroad.‘

(hat-tip to vertically challenged giant)

‘Our customers are already aware of how much more convenient gas is for heating water, boiling an egg, or warming up a tin of soup’, said Nigel Bryant, British Gas’s Technology Director. ‘But soon, they’ll be blown away by our scorching new service, which combines impressive data speeds with a need for adequate ventilation.’

The new system uses the existing gas network, but information is carried by little pulses of gas. ‘We’re supplying CORGI-approved modems to receive the ‘data’, and the used data can be safely flared off in the garden’, explained Geoff May, Marketing Manager. ‘We ran a pilot scheme in Bristol that was very well received, although speeds did drop off a little when the bath was running.’

Once the service is established, British Gas plans to introduce ‘pipeless’ networks, so people can use mobile devices. ‘This has been a little problematic’, admitted Nigel. ‘Filling a whole house with ‘data’ can cause light-headedness and nausea, so we’d recommend fitting 3-inch thick firewalls to keep you safe. And don’t ever attempt to compress your data: it might explode.’

The company is exploring a tie-in with CampingGaz to offer a roaming service, and there’s an ‘off-peak’ package for people who don’t want to surf when the heating is on. As with any new technology, some people have dismissed it as ‘incomprehensibly dangerous’, but early adopters are busy fitting rubber carpets, grounding strips and breathing apparatus to their homes, to get the most from the service.

Consumers are generally positive about the new scheme. As one person put it: ‘My eyebrows are missing, all the windows blew out and my canary died. The slightest spark can trigger another flash ‘upgrade’, and the eggy smell makes me dry retch. But all things considered, it’s a lot more convenient than TalkTalk.’

Actor Kris, also known as ‘him off My Family’ has decided to postpone filming his marriage to ‘that MILF off the BT advert’ after a boozy night planning his stag weekend ended sourly with his best man telling him ‘don’t do it’. ‘I started reconsidering what I was doing just the other day after that little shit Lucy spilled the beans to her dad,’ he said. ‘She even invited him to the bloody wedding. There’s no way I’m getting married with that tosser and his ‘secretary’ criticising everything.’

‘Me and the guys have had some really deep chats after a few pints recently and it’s made me realise that Jane is probably a whole heap of trouble,’ said Kris. ‘Quite apart from the clearly rocky foundations to our relationship, my mates have pointed out to me that she’s already dumped some handsome, well-off bloke who clearly dotes on his daughter, just for being a bit of a workaholic.’

‘I can be a bit of a geek when it comes to broadband internet access – like the time I moved the microwave oven to a different mains socket and disconnected the entire extension wiring of the house to get a little bit of extra speed,’ explained Kris. ‘My best man Clive told me I can be a ‘boring knob’ and that Esther will probably just dump me in favour of a nice interesting CSA agreement once she’s used me as a live-in sperm donor.’

‘I just don’t know what to to,’ said the disheartened actor, ‘because she’s a really good shag, but I not sure if I can go through with a wedding just for the famous benefit of ‘guaranteed sex’ that getting married always brings. Pardon? They stop what? Conjugal? Oh my god…..get my agent on the phone! NOW!!!’

QorbeQ

A spokesman for BT said ‘There is a perception out there that there is little point in having a theme about a bloke who’s getting it on with a tasty older woman if all they do is send emails and extol the virtues of broadband telephones.  We take these complaints very seriously and viewers will soon get to see a bit of bedroom action.’  Consumer groups have welcomed the announcement, but are urging BT to act quickly before the couple get married.

Vandella

Despite service providers advertising broadband speeds of up to 10Mb/s, many households have found themselves getting a data rate of 1Mb/s. Phone companies have attempted to blame the quality of line, distance from the telephone exchange or user contention ratios for this drop in performance, but according to one telecoms whistleblower, this is nothing but a smokescreen to disguise a much more pressing problem of Britain’s desperate internet shortage.

Former broadband engineer Trevor Bow says that the nation’s broadband reserves are at an all-time low and that telecommunication companies and internet service providers are conspiring together to ration usage. ‘There simply isn’t enough to go around,’ he maintains, ‘When Britain first applied for its internet quota, most people did a bit of online shopping or sent a few emails. But today we are all using much more bandwidth than we are importing.’

Even more scandalous, he alleges is the fact that telecoms industry bosses are hoarding large portions of the internet for themselves. ‘It is a well-known fact that telecommunications executives are enjoying far greater speeds than the rest of us.’ Bow alleges that former BT CEO Ben Verwaayen left BT with a staggering 20Gb/s of internet bandwidth in addition to his pension and carriage clock. Scandalously, the head of TalkTalk’s internet service has boasted openly about his ability to download knocked-off films in less than five seconds.

‘It’s a disgrace,’ complains Bow. ‘These fat cats enjoy breath-taking internet speeds while the rest of us have to plod on downloading interesting Japanese photos and artistic German video clips over single-figure-speed broadband lines’. An on-line petition has been started demanding government action on the internet shortage, but is taking longer than expected to attract signatures.