Clive Tuck, who represented Bickersly South, is reported to have driven his car off a cliff at a secluded beauty spot after first lashing his hands to the wheel and consuming an entire bottle of whiskey.

Mr Tuck’s death comes less than 48 hours after fellow Tory rebel John Whitcroft was found decapitated whilst mowing trees at his country estate; while junior Minister Malcolm Burke was discovered floating in Bassenthwaite Lake after undertaking a fishing trip at three in the morning.

Mr Cameron said: “We have lost valued, albeit treacherous, colleagues. But I think we should avoid jumping to conclusions about how these unrelated and entirely accidental deaths occurred. No-one ever really quits the Conservative party and I like to think that this is something they realised just before the end.”

Detective Chief Inspector Mike Blunt, who is leading the enquiry, said: “None of these men had a history of taking their own lives, but nevertheless we cannot rule out the possibility of suicide. It is odd, I’ll grant you, but then so is the fact that it is impossible to lick your own elbow and yet you can’t blame that on the government whips.”

Conservative Parliamentary private secretary Gavin Stork resigned in order to take part in the vote, and told the BBC that many Eurosceptic rebels are now in fear of their lives. He said: “I just don’t know who to trust. Every time I hear someone at the door I think it must be William Hague, here to give me a going over in the style of an even blander and more monotonous George Smiley.

“Of course, we aren’t engaged in some sort of vendetta,” said Mr Cameron. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear, people are entitled to their own differing and often dangerous views. I’m sure the conspiracy nuts and other cranks will have a field day trying to link these brutual accidents with the EU vote. However, I would much rather offer my heartfelt condolences to the families of the four, sorry, three people who have died thus far.”

‘It’s amazing,’ explained Cox from a glacier in Chile. ‘The fact is, the cash has simply spiralled into a black hole 2.5 kilometres south of Brussels. If you can imagine a toroid, twisted inside-out through a hole in its side, but in four dimensions, and stretch that with a wrecking bar that’s about as long as the milky way is wide, then you’ve got a very good imagination – but that’s not going to help very much because, as I said, the money’s all gone into a black hole.’

If Cox is right, there’s not a lot of hope of recovering the cash.

‘Without a doubt, somewhere else in this universe, or in a parallel one, in the future or in the past there’ll be a corresponding white hole, spewing money. Somewhere there could be a world with creatures like dinosaurs or eels, and all this money coming at them, and they won’t know what to do with it. They might try and eat it.

‘It’s something we just don’t know.’

Boutros

Under the EU directive the official height description for all ladies over the age of 65 will be altered irrevocably so that those under 145cm (4’9’’) will be classed as ‘Petite or Small’, those between 145cm and 165cm (5’5’’) will be ‘Moyenne or Medium’, and those above 165cm will be ‘Grande or Tall’.

‘The result will be that the British little old lady, whose average height is a headscarf thickness over five feet, suddenly becomes a ‘medium old lady’ at the stroke of midnight on 1st October 2014,’ complained Eurosceptic Nigel Farage. ‘Thanks to Europe all their clothes will be the wrong size.’

A further directive is also likely to cause confusion. To reflect life expectancy in Scotland and parts of Eastern Europe, a little old lady will now only need to be 45 years old, with anyone topping sixty classified as ‘ancient’.

In his victory speech, the tearful BNP leader complained that his so-called supporters ‘didn’t care about his feelings’ and admitted that he hadn’t really thought it through. ‘Don’t make me go and sit with those smelly Europeans’ he pleaded. ‘They’ll speak to me in their funny languages and make me eat hummous and garlic and all that. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

However Mr Griffin has hinted that he might refuse to serve in Strasbourg. ‘It’s an infringement of my human rights,’ he declared. ‘I don’t even agree with the European Union so I’ve already spoken to my lawyers and we’re taking this to the European Court of Human Rights.’

The plan to send the BNP leader into exile was hatched on an internet chat room, where bloggers conspired to lobby the far-right leader to stand as an MEP, and then persuaded thousands of liberals to vote for him in the hope that the xenophobe might be surrounded by foreigners for the next five years. The joke worked better than any of them dared hope, with a second BNP representative being elected in Yorkshire. The campaigners are now demanding that the government refuse them re-admission to the United Kingdom, following the precedent of an earlier far-right European politician who was turned around at Heathrow Airport. Griffin has asked that the BNP’s policy idea of voluntary repatriation be extended to far-right MEPs who have been forced to live abroad due to circumstances beyond their control.

The BNP have said that they will continue to campaign for the deportation of all Britons of immigrant stock which unfortunately includes the entire BNP membership, and everybody else in the United Kingdom, except one rather strange looking man from a village in Shropshire.

Story by The Paper Ostrich with additions by Genghis and Red – and thanks to all who made suggestions especially Stan Laurel

Bestselling author God has reacted with fury on learning that his book, The Holy Bible, is being made available for free in hotel rooms around the world. He made the discovery on a European book tour to promote The Bible: The New International Version – the latest volume in the long-running franchise that has captivated generations of readers and spawned a string of Charlton Heston movies.

God first found a copy of his one-hit wonder in the bedside drawer of the Erasme Hotel in Brussels, and initially was amused that He had checked in to the room after one of his fans. It was only when the same thing happened at the Hotel Mozaic in The Hague that God looked at The Bible more closely and realised that it wasn’t a version published by Him, and that He was getting no royalties from it. ‘I haven’t been this annoyed since everyone started banging on about the King James version and how they thought that the rewrite was better than the original,’ said God. ‘And now I discover that some character going by the name of Gideon is just giving away his version in hotels? I mean, what the fuck?’

God now plans to take legal action against unauthorised versions and ‘smite’ those who are found responsible. ‘They will face prosecution, court orders to pulp any versions breaching copyright law, and their lands shall be ravaged by locusts and famine for seven years.’

God’s book tour has already run in to difficulties when fans of The Bible started quizzing God at Q&A sessions about the meaning of certain parts and what they perceived to be inconsistencies in the plot. God has refused to directly answer the questions, telling fans ’it stands as written, I don’t think it needs further explanation’.

12 November 2008

The UN today officially announced that Belgium has died. The discovery was made when Germany called round one afternoon to investigate an unpleasant smell drifting across the border and found the curtains still drawn.

The UN did acknowledge that Belgium hadn’t shown up at meetings for a fortnight but claimed that nobody really noticed. ‘They didn’t really say too much when they were here, didn’t really have many friends or enemies and they never socialised either. However, Austria did mention that stocks of hand-made chocolates and Stella Artois had dropped a bit which should have been a warning sign.’

Next-door Neighbours France commented; ‘Belgium kept themselves pretty much to themselves really, didn’t come and go too much, fairly quiet type.’ Britain did confess to noticing the mail piling up a bit at Zeebrugge and that the milk lake was fuller than one would expect but added that ‘you know, one doesn’t like to be too nosey.’

The UN also called on all countries to check on their neighbours regularly as unreported death can be a common problem. Holland said ‘I think that we all feel guilty about it, you could always do a bit more for neighbours, but one gets so involved with one’s own lives that it’s easy to ignore the needs of others. We, for one, are going to give Luxembourg a visit pretty regularly from now on. Has anyone spoken to Switzerland recently?’

The European country that will be remembered for many memorable things any day now, will be laid to rest next week. The last will and testament will be read next month and is expected to be uncontested with the Flemish region going to The Netherlands and the Walloon region being given to France. The only contentious issue concerns the Port of Ostend with Germany claiming it was promised the busy shipping port by Belgium some time ago. ‘We could send troops in’ said Berlin, ‘but it ended up causing all kinds of fuss last time.’