In between unprintable comments made during a tour of St Mary’s Orphanage for Transgender Chinese, Prince Philip revealed that the young couple fell in love with the lavish ceremonies shown on popular television programme My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

‘They’ve decided to go full gypo,’ he said, in language which has drawn criticism from the traveller community. ‘Of course, I won’t be letting them use Buck House. I’m rather fond of the gravel drive, and we’ve got more than enough clothes pegs.’

Lisa Ronson, head of the British Traveller’s Association, said, ‘It’s a disgrace this is allowed to go on. We’re a proud people, and the last thing we need is to be tarmacked by association with a gang of freeloading inbreds like the royal family.’

Observers expressed surprise at the new wedding plans, but noted that the gypsy theme, characterised by opulent bad taste, may result in relatively few changes to the traditional service many had expected.

‘They’re already using a gaudy carriage, Kate’s already the colour of a blood orange, and, if you’re looking for spectacularly inappropriate outfits, Will has a bunch of military uniforms that might as well be fancy dress for all the fighting he’s done in them,’ said Queen Elizabeth.

‘However, we understand these events sometimes feature an unacceptably rough courting ritual known as ‘grabbing’, which borders on sexual assault,’ said the Queen. ‘So Harry should have a marvellous time.’

*

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’

The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

‘HRH The Prince of Wales made the omelette with the spoils of a mushroom gathering trip to Loch Muick that he had undertaken just that morning,’ said a Buckingham Palace spokesman today. ‘He intended the meal to be a special surprise for his elderly mother. No one is sadder about how things have turned out than Prince Charles himself.’

Detectives now suspect that The Prince of Wales may have mistakenly picked a number of highly poisonous toadstools rather than edible wild mushrooms. ‘It is an easy mistake to make,’ said investigating officer DCI Dowling of the Metropolitan Police. ‘Indeed Prince Charles has made the same mistake twice already this year, and he’s an experienced organic farmer.’

Friends of Sir Digby say that his sudden demise followed years of ill health in his role. ‘During his service he chalked up 19 bouts of salmonella poisoning, 52 episodes of gastroenteritis and suffered from near-constant diarrhoea,’ said one. ‘Luckily Prince Charles always seemed to be on hand to suggest a herbal remedy. In fact we used to joke with Charles that if he’d had a motive the police would have brought him in for questioning long ago. But of course he didn’t – why would he want to bump off the Queen’s official food taster?’

Although Sir Digby will be much mourned, his death is good news for his son Basil Filigree-Gresham who now inherits the position vacated by his father. ‘Finally! I’d been waiting almost 60 years for the old man to pop his clogs,’ he said today. His first assignment is to accompany the Queen to dinner with her eldest son at Highgrove where the menu promises pufferfish on a bed of rhubarb leaves.

Curbie Firetank

‘We became suspicious when we noticed an ever greater volume of packages coming in and out of Buckingham Palace,’ said Sir Alan Reid, Keeper of the Privy Purse. ‘It seems that of an evening Her Majesty was retiring to the royal chamber to surf the net for knock-off corgi paraphernalia, rare Daniel O’Donnell imports and Andy McNab first editions. She even tried to keep her spending sprees under wraps by using a variety of logins such as LusciousLiz, HelenMirrenInDisguise and LonelyGirl85.’

At the height of the Queen’s eBay obsession officials say it took two staff working full time to provide buyer feedback on her purchases and to pop all the bubble-wrap. ‘And for a while she seemed to get double the quantity of whatever she ordered,’ continued Reid. ‘We later discovered that in the quantity box she kept entering ‘One wants one’, so sellers were sending her two of everything.’

It is believed Her Majesty was introduced to the internet auction site by Cherie Blair who waxed lyrical about how ‘people would buy anything, even scrap bits of paper with Tony’s signature scrawled on’. Later the same evening the Queen registered as a seller on eBay in order to offload the gifts she had received from foreign dignitaries over the years, including 29 Breville Sandwich Toasters, 52 George Foreman grills and a selection of what her husband described as ‘dodgy-looking African wooden things’.

However, not everything Her Majesty tried to flog was a success. ‘At one point she attempted to sell access to Princes Edward and Andrew, but embarrassingly neither auction ever received a bid in excess of the reserve price of £5.’

Since the Queen’s Paypal account was frozen, Prince Charles is said to have developed an interest in eBay. ‘He’s got his eye on a second-hand crown, but he’s becoming increasingly frustrated that while he’s leading the bids, the auction still has years remaining.’

OllieP (hat-tip to Curbie Firetank)

‘You can never have too many towels,’ Kate told reporters today. ‘Will is a bugger for leaving them on the bathroom floor instead of hanging them up to dry, and we’ve found it’s wise to pop one on the sofa when his granddad comes to visit, just in case.’

Also on the affianced couple’s wish list are a smoothie maker, a set of steak knives and a digital photo frame, though they have asked that nobody buys them a George Foreman grill as they got three as engagement presents.

LizzyG

Set in 1952, the film tells the moving story of Elizabeth who ascends to the throne but is unable to speak in public without sounding like she was being strangled. In a desperate attempt to overcome her accent the young monarch visits an unconventional speech therapist who gradually teaches her to sound less posh and more like him, and who will be played by Hugh Grant.

The Queen’s Accent has already been nominated for 12 Academy Awards despite the fact that it hasn’t even been made yet. A further follow-up is also planned in which Prince Philip tries unsuccessfully to conquer his crippling Tourettes syndrome.

Ludicity (with input from Oxbridge)

The prince’s long-term girlfriend Kate Middleton, rumoured to be the power behind the dome, reportedly told him, ‘I need you more to be more Bruce Willis and less Andrew Marr. A thinking person‘s Jason Statham.’

In the past the prince is said to have been sensitive about his thinning pate, and is even rumoured to have ended one heated discussion with Middleton by snapping, ‘Ok, I’m a slaphead, but how many castles and jump jets have you got, fatty?’

However, the prince has been prevented from adopting an even more radical look. Seniors members of the royal household allegedly stepped in to prevent William getting a planned ‘head tattoo’, of a lion statant wearing an imperial crown. At first the tattoo appeared to be a nod to the royal coat of arms, but upon on closer inspection it turned out to be Simba from The Lion King, one of William’s favourite films.

Royal hair correspondent Beverly Wright, believes the half-hair prince has few options but to confront his baldness: ‘William seems to have realised that he is going to have to live with that shining patch in his regal thatch. He can‘t do what Edward did, and try and backcomb it under the rug.

‘Being in the public eye so much, William can’t simply vanish off to a Swiss clinic for six months intensive carpet-fitting,’ Wright explains, ‘and then there are the side effects. What is the least worst option; a prince with a glittering noggin or a prince with pendulous man breasts?’
When asked if Prince Harry was also worried about the curse of the male Windsors, a palace spokesperson said, ‘We are not concerned about Harry as he has a full head of hair, like his dad.’