There was a champagne reception for Tony Blair yesterday as he left his job as Middle East Peace envoy surrounded by bouquets and cards congratulating him on a job well done.

‘It just shows that if you set your mind to something it can be achieved. I’m not pretending that it wasn’t difficult at times, that there weren’t huge obstacles to be overcome, but I think we can look back at where Israel/Palestine was when I started on this job eighteen months ago and agree that the peace situation is very different now.’

President Bush paid tribute to the achievement of Tony Blair and acknowledged that the former British PM was one of the few people to have done more for peace in the Middle East than President Bush himself. ‘Some folks didn’t think it was achievementable, but Blair has helped implementated a lasting piece of cord.’

Tony Blair is now said to be considering other challenges; among them, reversing the credit crunch and ending global warming, although his flight home from Israel was apparently delayed due to safety concerns in the Gaza area.

Later on, a late night caller to a local radio station explained that there was in fact a lasting solution to the Palestinian problem. ‘They should just get in there and sort it all out’ explained gatehouse attendant Bryan Duffy. ‘Somebody should get in there and bang some heads together.’ Peace is expected to follow as soon as this formula is implemented.

See also Tony Blair to reunite branches of Islam

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‘Them folks kept talking about this very rare ape, an incredibly close relative to you and me’ the President recalled. ‘They didn’t seem that upset about it because they seemed to keep laughing.’ The President was informed that the so called ‘Bush chimp’ is very stupid and simple, but can do a lot of damage if allowed to do whatever it wants. ‘They said he was going to extictivized,’ explained the outgoing President. ‘And then they started laughing some more.’

The ‘Texan Bush chimp’ was apparently once seen all over the United States, but has recently been increasingly reclusive. Now it is holed up in one closely guarded East Coast location, although it is not expected to survive far into next year. ‘It’s now officially endangerous’ explained the President.

During his briefing on species at risk, a concerned but puzzled looking President Bush was also told about the ‘mules’ giving the ‘elephants’ a really good kicking. ‘But my main concern is that there’s also this thing called a ‘lame duck; the lamest of lame-ducks’ they told me, which everyone can’t wait to see the back of. Poor thing, I’d hate to be that little guy!’

President George Bush today accepted that everything said in Osama bin Laden’s latest video offering was entirely true and just, and that as a result, America as a nation is converting to Islam. Despite pleas from a handful of diehard Christians, most Americans agreed that their minds had been completely changed by listening to the terrorist leader’s broadcast and that to their own surprise they would now be changing sides in the War on Terror.

‘It was just a very well argued and persuasive message from bin Laden, and sometimes you simply have to admit you were in the wrong,’ said President Bush. ‘Sure the whole terrorism thing was upsetting at the time but it certainly brought all these issues to our attention. We never realised just how wrong our way of life had been until that nice Mr bin Laden took the trouble to point it out.’

The President was in the capital, declaring that henceforth the United States will be governed entirely by Sharia Law. In the so-called ‘Koran Belt’ in the Deep South, thousands protested that his Islamic reforms did not go far enough, and ordered the stoning of adulterers and the launch of a holy Jihad against Canada. Wearing the traditional burka, Condoleeza Rice announced she would be stepping down from politics immediately immediately after she had signed the legislation banning the sale of alcohol across America.

Bin Laden was reported to be surprised that his call for America to convert to Islam had been so instantly succesful ‘Frankly, I’d been worried that I might have had the opposite effect; that they might have been disinclined to take my advice, but I had this hope that the world’s most powerful country might all become Muslims and it’s always worth asking.’

Asked whether religious extremism, revenge-based justice and discrimination had any place in modern America, the president refused to answer on the grounds that the question was ‘overly-satirical’. On a more personal level, President Bush expressed his joy that under the new jurisdiction, Dick Cheney’s trigger happy hand would soon get the come-uppance they deserved, while promising even more stringent measures for Bill Clinton.

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