‘Quite frankly, I’ve never had to put up with a more disappointing candidate,’ Sir Alan told him. ‘I don’t know how you’ve ended up as Prime-Minister. Did anyone vote for you? I certainly didn’t. To put it bluntly, everything you’ve been put in charge of has been a mess. You’ve been given a chance as Chancellor, and you’ve spent all the money you had, plus plenty you didn’t. Then, for some reason I still don’t understand, you’ve ended up with your team ‘choosing’ you for Prime Minister, and that’s when everyone really saw what a useless oaf you are.’

Gordon tried to interupt to half-heartedly defend himself, but Lord Sugar continued tearing him to pieces for leading the government into disarray. ‘Half your team have walked out on you. When it comes to tackling the other teams you’re up against, you’ve been dreadful; they seemed to spend every Wednesday just laughing at you.’

In the long-running TV show, millions of viewers had watched Gordon repeatedly bungle simple challenges, until he lost the confidence of those around him. He remained determined to stay in charge and in what he had hoped would be a masterstroke hired TV star Alan Sugar to weed out any dead wood in his organisation. ‘But at the end of this sorry saga…’ commented one cabinet minister, ‘you’d have to say that perhaps Gordon’s biggest mistake was to hire someone who was most famous for sacking useless people.’

Brown is apparently undaunted and now plans to outline his plans for economic recovery on Britain’s Got Talent, in order to get a glowing endorsement from Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan.

‘Unfortunately it has got to the point where the level of criticism and media attention is distracting from the excellent job we are doing running the country,’ said the Prime Minister. ‘I simply cannot allow this to go on for any longer than the period leading up to the next general election.’ He resisted calls from the Conservatives, Liberal Democrats and Government ministers for the Government to go now, saying that it would only undermine his efforts to steer the country through these difficult times if that job were to be done by somebody else. And in a final bid to assert his authority and demonstrate that he was providing clear direction, Gordon Brown announced that plans were already well advanced for the Labour party’s spell in Opposition.

Bemused voters were met with the news as they arrived at polling stations yesterday seeking to cast their vote in the local and European elections. Having been asked to indicate their preferred party, Labour voters were escorted to a private area away from the voting booths where they were informed by officials that the Government had not made it through the night. Counsellors were on hand to help the bereaved, many of whose grief was compounded by learning that arrangements to ensure an orderly transition of power could take anything up to a year. In order to say their farewells, and as an alternative to voting, Labour supporters were then given the opportunity to sign a condolence book which will tour the country in the coming months before being delivered to Downing Street on the eve of the next general election. The funeral of the Labour Party is being organised by Hazel Blears, who has asked for any donations to be sent directly to her, care of the fees office.