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Posts Tagged ‘cancer’

‘Cancer drugs will shrink Daily Mail’, says report

Consultants at Royal Marsden Hospital say they have finally developed a pair of cancer drugs that greatly reduces the copy size of the Daily Mail newspaper.

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Posted: Jun 3rd, 2015
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Cancer seeks to improve its image

‘Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, but who hasn’t’?’ said the malignant neoplasm, fiddling with someone’s DNA. ‘Isn’t it time for us all to move on? Plague doesn’t get such bad press anymore does it, and even Ebola is threatening to evolve.’

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Posted: Mar 3rd, 2015
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Cameron: ‘We will still provide paracetamol for cancer patients’

‘Cancer treatment is my number one priority, after Ebola treatment, unless that nurse is getting better, in which case cancer treatment, or at least the cancers that are treatable, you know, the ones that probably go away after a while anyway, are my highest priority…’

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2015
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Health Minister abolishes ‘NICE’; launches ‘NASTY’

Asked what this stood for, the Health Minister looked puzzled and said ‘It doesn’t stand for anything, that’s just its name.’

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Posted: Jan 13th, 2015
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Cancer charity launches ‘F*ck My Luck’ TV campaign

Cancer charities are celebrating today after the breakthrough discovery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine that the majority of cancers are attributed to bad luck rather than environmental or genetic factors. Professor Naills Joffrey, 42 (age and BMI), gestured with a cheeseburger while describing the findings.

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Posted: Jan 2nd, 2015
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