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Posts Tagged ‘cancer’

Cancer seeks to improve its image

‘Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, but who hasn’t’?’ said the malignant neoplasm, fiddling with someone’s DNA. ‘Isn’t it time for us all to move on? Plague doesn’t get such bad press anymore does it, and even Ebola is threatening to evolve.’

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Posted: Mar 3rd, 2015
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Cameron: ‘We will still provide paracetamol for cancer patients’

‘Cancer treatment is my number one priority, after Ebola treatment, unless that nurse is getting better, in which case cancer treatment, or at least the cancers that are treatable, you know, the ones that probably go away after a while anyway, are my highest priority…’

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2015
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Health Minister abolishes ‘NICE’; launches ‘NASTY’

Asked what this stood for, the Health Minister looked puzzled and said ‘It doesn’t stand for anything, that’s just its name.’

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Posted: Jan 13th, 2015
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Cancer charity launches ‘F*ck My Luck’ TV campaign

Cancer charities are celebrating today after the breakthrough discovery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine that the majority of cancers are attributed to bad luck rather than environmental or genetic factors. Professor Naills Joffrey, 42 (age and BMI), gestured with a cheeseburger while describing the findings.

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Posted: Jan 2nd, 2015
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MRC announces £70 million research fund for paper cuts

‘Our top three research priorities for 2015 are cancer, dementia and paper cuts’ said Professor Jenkins, Director of Research at the Medical Research Council. ‘Medically speaking, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut so logically it should be our number one priority, but bloody cancer gets all the publicity.’

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Posted: Jan 2nd, 2015
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