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Posts Tagged ‘Catholic church’

Black smoke from Sistine Chapel suggests cardinals smoking ‘some really strong shit’

chill-out organ music playing in the backgroundPractised observers of the papal conclave, which got underway in Rome yesterday, have described the first black smoke to emerge from the Sistine Chapel chimney as ‘thick, potent, and smelling suspiciously of weed’.

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Posted: Mar 10th, 2014
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Pope groomed by online pontiff-phile who pretended to be God

Benedictum non sanctum‘Every day he would issue me with commandments – though most of them involved me sending him saucy photos – and at the time it all seemed very convincing.’

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Posted: Feb 8th, 2014
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Bishop confuses ‘the crib’ for ‘da crib’

The Vatican have suspended Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst amid fears that he has gone ‘gangsta’ on them. Parishioners attest to hearing the Bishop of Limburg using the ‘n’ word when referring to the Pope, calling his choir boys ‘my bitches’ and ‘bustin out some phat beats’ on the church organ.

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Posted: Oct 26th, 2013
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Catholic Church makes early withdrawal from contraception forum

European leaders have failed to reach agreement on a forum at contraception in the Dutch Capital, Den Haag. The event had a mixed reception from the start and was overshadowed by the Vatican representative’s withdrawal just before the climax, uttering a hurried ‘Sorry, I have to shoot’.

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Posted: Sep 29th, 2013
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Pagans and Druids issue apology to Stonehenge labourers

Britain’s Pagan and Neo-Druidic communities have issued a joint statement finally apologising for the ‘unspeakable suffering and inconvenience’ caused by the building of Stonehenge in the second and third centuries BC.

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Posted: Sep 14th, 2013
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