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Posts Tagged ‘cats’

IS planning lolcats response to the Investigatory Powers Bill

British intelligence agencies are bracing themselves tonight after revelations that terrorist groups are planning to combat the new Investigatory Powers Bill with bulk trite social media posts. An insider warned that ‘Cat videos and macaroni cheese recipes will be used indiscriminately to demoralise and dishearten the infidel analysts.’

Under-resourced spymasters are furious that the Bill does not allow them to launch smart-missiles at anyone posting an Internet link to ‘That trick doctors don’t want YOU to know.’ Looking haggard and waspish, Ms Kristina DeVille from GCHQ said ‘No-one understands the stress my operators are under having to sift through tons of tedious crap only to hit a link about ‘One Weird Tip to Melt Belly Fat’, which can then cause their heads to explode. And if I have to read one more INT report about mawkish videos with the words ‘you will not BELIEVE what happens next…’, I will not be answerable for my actions.’

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Posted: Nov 5th, 2015
More from UK News

Bigamy arrest near St Ives leads police to cat-trafficking ring

I've heard about this: cat smuggling!After a tip-off from an anonymous individual travelling to St Ives, the police have arrested James Green, 38, from Wolverhampton, for bigamy. In what is believed to be a severe case of benefit fraud, Green was allegedly found to be legally married to seven different women, all of whom appeared to accept the situation as they were travelling with him in one group.

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2015
More from UK News

Thousands desert London as Andrew Lloyd Webber announces return of Cats and Evita

Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with ‘theatrical turds’ from the 1980s. Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness reported seeing a father of three throw his young daughters into the Thames rather than expose them to ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’.

Refugees clutching tickets for ‘A Book of Mormon’ attest to being shell shocked at the news that such productions will be returning to London’s theatre land. Many fear that Webber’s planned attack on the city could mean that they will now be exposed to the next generation of Wayne Sleeps and Bonnie Langfords.

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Posted: Jun 28th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment

Government entrusts cat cull to schoolboys

Licensed schoolboys across the country have been brought in to help stem the spread of cat to human TB the Government have announced.

Under plans unveiled at a packed news conference the cull of cats will take place between the hours of after school and bed time in three pilot areas.

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Posted: Mar 29th, 2014
More from Environment

Berners-Lee ‘a fake created by publicity-seeking cats’

On the 25th anniversary of the invention of the World Wide Web, its creator ‘Tim Berners-Lee’ has been exposed as a false identity that was actually created by a pack of stray cats scavenging in the bins around the CERN facility in Switzerland.

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Posted: Mar 10th, 2014
More from News In Brief