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Posts Tagged ‘Celebrity’

Des Lynam ‘the only man left you can trust’, confirm Yewtree investigators

shouldn't you be at work?Officers investigating allegations of sexual abuse by notable figures from the 60s and 70s have concluded today that, the only man currently alive that’s ‘completely trustworthy’, is veteran TV and radio presenter, Des Lynam.

‘We investigated Des thoroughly, and amazingly, we found zilch’, said one anonymous Yewtree investigator today. ‘We rummaged through his bins, hacked into his computer and interrogated him in a hot room for six days straight, but the guy’s clean. We didn’t even find any evidence of any suspiciously long hugs. We’re now able to confirm that Des Lynam is currently the only celebrity over sixty still at liberty to appear on TV not wearing a pair of handcuffs with a jacket pulled over his head’.

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Posted: Jun 24th, 2014
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TV entertainer announces retirement from sex offending

There were sighs of regret and words of respect in the world of show business today as veteran comedian and presenter Timmy Handley announced his withdrawal from sex offending, after a 55-year career in which he bestrode the field like a colossus.

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Posted: May 11th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Hallmark launch new card range for contrite sex pests

Greetings card manufacturer Hallmark has launched a new range of cards aimed at the remorseful sex offender. The new cards, which Hallmark are calling ‘the post-Savile range’, have been introduced in response to the recent spike in the number of court cases and allegations of sexual misconduct among celebrities.

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Posted: May 6th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Max Clifford’s penis given own cell for protection

Prison officials have confirmed today that Max Clifford’s penis, Justin, has been segregated for his own safety and is undergoing assessment in the prison hospital wing after earlier being spotted looking bruised, ‘withdrawn’, and being sick in the showers.

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Posted: May 5th, 2014
More from News In Brief



BBC’s Desert Island Discs in illegal colonisation row

World ServiceRadio 4 bosses have been summoned to the Foreign Office to answer questions following accusations of ‘rampant’ and ‘illegal’ colonisation of desert islands. Pacific island leaders have delivered a joint complaint to Foreign Secretary, William Hague in an attempt to halt the migration of potty professors, faded celebrities and unknown academics to hundreds of uninhabited islands in Micronesia and other areas of the Pacific.

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Posted: Jan 29th, 2014
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