‘It’s fantastic! For years I’ve been working out 3 hours per day to look good, but now I can eat like a pig and still appear slim to all my fans,’ claimed Cameron Diaz. ‘It does mean that anybody entering my house must wear a set of specially designed 3-D glasses for me to keep looking slim and beautiful; but as a multimillionaire Hollywood actress, I’m apparently supposed to be as mad as a brush, so no one bats an eyelid.’

Due to the technology being imperfectly adjusted for use on moving images, actors may appear wooden in their actions on screen and have limited facial expressions. Keanu Reeves is known to have been struggling with this side effect for many years.

Immunis

‘I was stunned,’ said store manager Matthew Priddy. ‘They looked so normal, I hardly recognised them. Mr Burton’s hair and beard were trimmed and he was wearing, if I’m not mistaken, a Blue Harbour jumper. Ms Bonham Carter was in stretch jeans and a waterfall cardigan. Her hair was scraped back in an alice band.’

Store staff, more used to seeing the celebrity bohemian couple looking as if they’ve been dragged through a hedge, put the transformation down to them ‘deciding to look as boring as everyone else in Waitrose.’

Clarky

The book, containing classic Grylls recipe favourites like ‘Freshly Squeezed Shit Drippings’ and ‘A Lizard’, has been a hit with trendy, time-poor Brits thanks to its short preparation times and no-nonsense instructions such as, ‘First, find some shit; fresh is best’ and ‘Grab it, grab it before it gets away’, respectively.

Entitled ‘From Ditch To Digestive Tract In A Jiffy’, the title’s publishers say the book is as much a lifestyle guide for banqueting on a budget as it is an essential tome for surviving-until-you’re-rescued-from-a-remote-and-inhospitable-pacific-archipelago.

‘We’ve all been there. You get home, open the fridge and there’s simply nothing to eat. Well, this book shows you there’s an easier route to a quick meal than trekking to your local Co-op for some red onions and fillet steak; such as your neighbour’s cat and that thing that died behind your shed some time ago.’

William Colvin, commercial director of Meat? Plc, the UK’s largest off-cuts wholesaler, says the book’s release has seen a massive increase in orders from upmarket supermarkets looking to cater for consumers short on the essentials.

‘It’s great news for us. We’ve had to triple our available stocks of horse duodenum and sheep lips to satisfy the demand from Waitrose alone. They’re now our biggest customer, surpassing Battersea Dogs’ Home and even Asda.’

However, one of the book’s most vocal critics, Jamie Oliver, has taken particular exception to Bear encroaching on his territory.

‘I’m the king of contemporary cut-price cooking, not him. He wouldn’t like it if I flew out to some isolated Argentinian island and instructed dinner ladies on how to bite the heads off injured penguins would he? Neither would his publishers: Penguin. No, this is definitely not pukka.’

He also had health and safety concerns over some of the recipes. ‘His ‘Scorpion With Foetid Cheese’ certainly wouldn’t make into Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference range, and his ‘Torn Red Squirrel In Your Piss’ is very rare; that needs at least another half an hour in the sun I reckon. Still, I suppose even those are safer to eat than most of Nigella’s recipes.’

The star’s publicist  – who wishes to be known only as ’MC’ – said that although he had informed all the media of his client’s precise movements so that any intrusion could be avoided, nothing had happened.

‘X was completely devastated that not a single hack or paparazzi showed their face at the rehab visits, lonely walks down beaches, and secret reunions with old flames we so carefully staged, ‘MC’ told a packed press conference.

He added that the unnamed star would not be available for comment in Leicester Square at Noon tomorrow.

‘But,’ he added, ‘I’d rather you more or less kept that to yourselves.’

uberdog

Sainsburys meanwhile have upped the competition with their new promotion; ‘Buy one super-injunction, get one free,’ while ASDA’s super-injunction price guarantee promises their legal gags will not be beaten on price anywhere – guaranteed!

Even cheaper than the supermarkets are a number of specialist new providers such as easyInjunctions and the web-only wefightanycause.com. Both companies admit that their super-saver injunction is probably not worth the paper it’s written on. ‘But what else are our clients going to do? They can’t afford a proper one,’ says Brian Stubbs from Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou’s newest spin-off. ‘We admit right from the get-go that we don’t have any trained legal professionals on board, but we have spent the last two weeks scouring the internet for clues on how these things are served.’ 

Stubbs continued, ‘It may seem counter-intuitive, but it turns out most of those who come to us are actually trying to increase their profile. Once the online gossip machines start spreading rumours about the possible identities of those concerned, we’ve found these super-injunctions can do wonders for the previously irrelevant or long-forgotten Z-lister.’

‘Of course the whole thing is so derivative,’ said friend of the stars, Lionel Blair, ‘First drugs, then cosmetic surgery, now she is planning to remarry a man she only just divorced. This was all done years ago by Elizabeth Taylor.’

Ms Winehouse is just the latest victim of the Government’s new celebrity reclassification scheme. Other downgraded celebs include Robbie Williams, Katie Price and Anne Widdicombe. ‘Each of these celebrities remain famous but they are producing smaller and smaller effects,’ said Celebritologist, Dr Hildegard of Bingen, ‘Of course they are all still dangerous if you take them in high enough quantities. But the worst you are likely to suffer is a headache or nausea.’

The Celebs Advisory Board are playing a game of catch up as new celebrities appear out of nowhere and then disappear again. ‘We had only just classified Jedward as ‘mostly harmless’ and now they’ve vanished,’ said Biggins. ‘Meanwhile, some celebrities that have recently appeared on the market may be very dangerous indeed. Michael McIntyre, for example, seems innocuous enough but in the long term may lead to feelings of emptiness, dispondency and perhaps even suicide.’

The novel, ‘Daddy don’t hurt little princess happy ever after’, combines three best selling genres of child abuse, memoir and romance and is expected to dominate the Christmas best seller lists. The book is remarkable in that it required no input from an expensive celebrity at all but was computer generated and then edited by a team of self employed journalists, reducing costs considerably.

The author is also completely computer generated and is hoped to do for publishers what Lara Croft did for the gaming industry. Her name, Abi Dhabi, has been described as a ‘truly inspirational brand, combining the earthy and familiar with exotic overtones of wealth and mystery’.

An expert said publishers expected to leverage the Abi Dhabi brand through articles and photo shoots for the full spectrum of magazines from Hello! to Nuts. It is even hoped she will be able to take on the all important chat show circuit. Described by detractors as ‘a cardboard cut out with tits’, it is thought she would blend in very well with other guests on programmes such as Friday Night with Jonathan Ross.
The novel has been ordered by all the main supermarket chains, with Tesco setting a precedent by negotiating a price per tonne, a move that will drive down the price even further when the paperback version is released.

Asked for a comment, Katie Price said that the new brand of artificial celebrities could put hard working mums such as herself out of business and was ‘an affront to natural women’.

A grief-stricken British public had been on holiday from the band’s attempted music when the news broke late last night. A post-mortem has yet to be conducted but police are understood to be questioning the band’s manager, Louis Walsh, who has been blamed for leaving the band unattended for some time.

The gruesome discovery is the third tragedy to hit the music world in the last week, after the untimely death of Boyzone’s Stephen Gately and the attempted comeback of Robbie Williams on last week’s X-Factor.

Nods to Skylarking (headline) and Madjez (Robbie Williams).