It cost some £6.2 billion to build, but the Large Hadron Collider may have justified that enormous price tag after it finally located Professor Brian Cox’s lost car keys. The keys were lost by Cox in the 1990s while an undergraduate at the University of Manchester and his 1987 Nissan Micra has remained in an NCP car park ever since. [read...]
‘Increasing the speed limit would reduce the journey time from the sun to the earth from its current sluggish 8 minutes and 19 seconds, bringing enormous economic benefits by increasing the amount of sunlight we receive and potentially lengthening the day.’ [read...]
Scientists working at the CERN particle accelerator have discovered an entirely new particle, the Scaramuccion, which they admit they almost missed because it only existed for such an infinitessimally short period of time. They say the particle only comes into being in conditions of extremely high desperation and corruption. [read...]
Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (LHCb) have announced the discovery of one the smallest forms of matter, that of Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras’ savings account. Having already transformed into a financial ‘black hole’, [read...]
CERN scientists have started drilling beneath Westminster in order to collect ‘high concentrations of anti-matter’. The levels being released into the community have been shown to be damaging to the public over large areas of Hackney and other North London boroughs as well as Tyneside. [read...]
