Scientists working at the CERN particle accelerator have discovered an entirely new particle, the Scaramuccion, which they admit they almost missed because it only existed for such an infinitessimally short period of time. They say the particle only comes into being in conditions of extremely high desperation and corruption. [read...]
Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (LHCb) have announced the discovery of one the smallest forms of matter, that of Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras’ savings account. Having already transformed into a financial ‘black hole’, [read...]
CERN scientists have started drilling beneath Westminster in order to collect ‘high concentrations of anti-matter’. The levels being released into the community have been shown to be damaging to the public over large areas of Hackney and other North London boroughs as well as Tyneside. [read...]
Nigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ [read...]
Up to 500 customers at a time will be contained in special magnetised particle pods, accelerated up to 25,000 miles per hour in a gigantic circular tunnel, then smashed into each other head on to see what happens [read...]
