While authorities insist the likelihood of becoming a victim of a pseudo-spontaneous Coldplay concert are slim, most revellers are taking no chances. ‘It’s like a ghost town,’ revealed a visibly shaken Newcastle bar owner, ‘I can’t remember the last time we had a hen-night in here. Apparently most of them have migrated to faraway places like St. Ives or The Orkneys, just to be on the safe side.’

The terror alert level in Tyneside has been raised to ‘bland’, while the local council in Bootle have began stockpiling ear plugs in a desperate attempt to protect the public from the band’s ‘plaintive soft-rock dirge’. Yet fears remain that Coldplay’s earnest advocacy for charitable causes will have a negative effect.

‘We used to be keen supporters of a number of charities around here,’ explained one local councillor, ‘but nowadays every time I hear the opening chords to ‘Trouble’ on a televised charity appeal I want to go to the nearest Oxfam shop and burn it down – God knows what’d happen if I actually have the misfortune to see them sing that bloody tune live.’

However the prospect of indiscriminate Coldplay gigs has at least had a positive effect among the region’s homeless, with thousands of street dwellers breaking the cycle of despair to become productive members of society.

‘Ever since I heard what those comfy jumper wearing bastards were planning to do, I conquered my alcoholism and drug addiction, had a shave and began looking for work,’ revealed one former beggar. ‘Okay so I’m picking spring onions for a Romanian gangmaster and living in a cow shed with twenty Slovenian couples, but at least I can look Chris Martin in the eye and say: ‘not in my name pal. Not in my name’.’

High Street collections from Britain’s top public schools have raised millions of pounds over the weekend, ending any doubt as to whether elitist institutions such as Eton and Harrow deserved their charitable status.

Ordinary shoppers, spotting the collection tins being shaken on behalf of the private schools, went straight past volunteers collecting for ‘less deserving charities’ like Age Concern and Oxfam and rushed to stuff five pound notes in the tins of the young toffs in top hat and tails.

‘I only give to certain charities’ said Tina Cruddock, 32 mother of three who lives on a council estate in Dudley. ‘But when I heard the master of one of them posh schools talking about what marvellous charity work they do for kids whose parents can only afford twenty grand a year; well we rushed down here to give ’em all our spare pennies.’

Other charities collecting on behalf of children with cystic fibrosis or autism are coming under pressure to hand over some of their money to the top private schools. Bob Geldof is rumoured to be planning another charity single and Wembley Concert.

‘Charities like Winchester School and Roedean are doing fantastic work, but they need more help,’ said the former Third World campaigner. ‘There are girls out there who can’t afford to keep their ponies with them at boarding school. Young boys with barely enough bread rolls to throw around the restaurant. Please give what you can.’ The ‘Toff Aid’ single goes on sale tomorrow.