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Posts Tagged ‘charity’

RSPB to focus efforts on saving Angry Birds

stepping up a levelAfter a series of charity scandals, cash-strapped conservation group the RSPB has announced that it will refocus its conservation efforts on saving the Angry Birds, rather than their real cousins.

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2014
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Isle of Wight coast threatened by huge slick of charity shop tat

slime 'everywhere'It survived the French invasion of 1545 and even the influx of five Polish would-be migrant workers, who were eventually seized and burned at the stake in Freshwater in 2009. Now, however, the pristine coastline of the Isle of Wight is facing its most deadly menace ever after an estimated 500,000 barrels of utterly appalling crap from charity shops leaked from an underground bunker near Portsmouth into the Solent.

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Posted: Jul 21st, 2014
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Abu Hamza ‘worked for depressed kittens shelter’, claim defence

After claims at his trial that Abu Hamza al-Masri secretly worked for MI5, his lawyers have further revealed the radical Muslim cleric’s extensive work for charity. The US terror trial has heard that Hamza was a ‘leading light’ down at the local homeless shelter, giving reiki foot massages to vagrants, and worked evenings and weekends at the ‘Fluffywumbles Home for Depressed Felines’.

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Posted: May 8th, 2014
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London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity

'will all these happy people please go away'London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst.

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Posted: Apr 17th, 2014
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Lose a leg for us this Dismember, urges charity

A local charity is raising awareness of its cause by calling the twelfth month of the year ‘Dismember’ and urging the public to ‘chop one off for us’, it was confirmed yesterday. ‘It doesn’t have to be a whole arm or leg – just below the knee or elbow would be fine’ said a spokesman. ‘It could even be your little fella – we don’t mind what you do as long as you Instagram the panicked reaction of your colleagues when blood starts spurting all over the office breakout area’.

The Carshalton Pet Bereavement Counselling Service is asking volunteers to raise a minimum of £1000 in sponsorship to fund a joining pack comprising a small chainsaw, a large tourniquet, and a wipe-clean leaflet explaining how, for many, losing a pet can be ‘literally like losing a limb’.

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Posted: Nov 29th, 2013
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