‘These unscrupulous characters lure innocent bears into their organised street gangs with promises of food, shelter and a possible cameo in the live regional link-ups. The moment the bears let their guard down, they’re attacked with a pair of eyebrow tweezers, detaching their beady eyes from their sockets. And yet still they’re paraded around during baked-bean baths and sponsored head shaves. It’s hard to believe we live in the same world.’

The children’s charity expose – already nicknamed ‘stairgate’ – echoes the outrage that surrounded this year’s Comic Relief, when it was revealed that millions of red-nosed reindeers were being cruelly battery-farmed then slaughtered to produce novelty charity goods.

But whilst the BBC strenuously denied deliberately withholding the simple laser eye surgery that would cure Pudsey Bear of his slight myopia, it was similarly keen to distance itself from any suggestion of wrongdoing, insisting that it would never sanction the cruel exploitation of vulnerable beings to further its entertainment agenda. ‘Except during The Apprentice, Strictly Come Dancing and whenever the hell Lloyd Webber decides he needs a new yacht,’ added an anonymous BBC source.

In a stunned press conference at BBC TV Centre he went on to confess that Pudsey was also ‘not a real bear’ and just a made-up character specifically designed to appeal to impressionable young children. ‘We deeply apologise to everyone who has been misled into donating over the years, in the belief that they are helping to restore sight to real one-eyed bears. We are looking into the possibility of refunding the hundreds of millions of pounds given since Pudsey first appeared in 1985.’

The damaging story comes at the end of a week of scandals that have rocked the BBC, including the revelation that Terry Wogan’s hair was faked and that Saturday Kitchen was filmed on a Friday, and in the lounge. The BBC News reported that the Queen herself was furious about the Pudsey bear revelations although the footage of her looking angry was in black and white and showed her standing next to her mother.

In an effort to win back viewers who have been put off by a week of damaging publicity the BBC has unveiled a competition in which voters can vote for what they think has been this week’s most embarassing scandal. Calls cost £1 and the winner will be announced whilst lines are still open.

barnabas (one line Archy and Al O’Pecia)