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Posts Tagged ‘children’

Lib Dems to eliminate main cause of childhood illiteracy – stupid children

another vote winner!In a bold statement of intent, Liberal Democratic Party leader Nick Clegg has set out his kid-free vision of the future. With a clear manifesto commitment, the Liberal Democrats expect to put an end to small people saying ‘I’m bored’ or ‘It’s not fair’ and monopolising all the jelly. By 2025, the Lib Dems have also promised to eradicate nose-picking in public.

A party spokeswoman explained: ‘We are not going to euthanise the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks as such. That would be cruel and, more to the point, time-consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as ‘stupid very young adults’. As such, they will be legally entitled to vote Liberal Democrat.’

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Posted: Jan 20th, 2015
More from Education



Petrol stations stock up ahead of ‘last minute dad shopping’

she's simply going to love itStocking up on Peppa Pig merchandise

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Posted: Dec 16th, 2014
More from From The Archives



‘Death on holiday’ tops list of things no-one has sympathy for

It'll be fine...Summer marks that time of year when British holidaymakers begin their annual cull of the most idiotic by leaping drunkenly from balconies, ignoring ski helmets or combining scuba diving with outboard motors. Those unable to afford such expensive jaunts, naturally, respond with the same levels of commiseration normally reserved for small children banging their heads on tables after being told not to run.

So apathetic are our levels of sympathy for the newly deceased on holiday that one sociologist commentated: ‘Being eaten by wild animals is natural selection for the rich, as a person of average income would never see a polar bear outside of a zoo. For those on a tight budget, they are now equating death on safari with voting for Nick Clegg – something you just brought on yourself.’

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Posted: Sep 9th, 2014
More from Lifestyle



Man mistakes chasing his children up the stairs shouting ‘Raarrr!!!’ for parenting

'dads get tired too' The nightly routine has finally driven his wife to breaking point.

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
More from From The Archives



Tragedy shows that gun skills should be taught in kindergarten, if not the womb

The tragic death of a firearms instructor at the hands of an unskilled 9 year old girl reinforces the need for early gun education, say experts. ‘I’m shocked that she was only getting her first experience at nine’, said Jake Hacker of the NRA. ‘What were her parents thinking?’

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Posted: Aug 28th, 2014
More from News In Brief