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Posts Tagged ‘Chris Grayling’

‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
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Strict bedtime for young offenders to solve sperm shortage

A ruling by Justice Secretary Chris Grayling that from August all young offenders will have to be in their cells with lights out by 22:30 may solve the UK’s sperm shortage says the British Fertility Society, which said that this ‘may have untapped a major supply of sperm for us at a time of drastic shortages’.

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Posted: Jun 30th, 2014
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Public urged to ‘get sent to prison’ to be away from murderers

Following a spate of prisoners walking out of an open prison instead of doing the decent thing and finishing his sentence, the public are being urged to get themselves locked up at her majesty’s pleasure to help keep themselves safe from robbers and murders.

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Posted: May 25th, 2014
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Justice ‘Overrated’, claims Justice Secretary

decision made after consultations with expensive lawyersThe Police are to be given a role in deciding whether or not a defendant receives legal aid support, under new proposals from Chris Grayling.

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Posted: Jun 6th, 2013
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UK poor people must do more to help kill foreign poor people, says Defence Secretary

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond says that poor people in Britain should do more to help to kill poor people in other countries by taking a cut in their welfare benefits to allow much-needed funds for the armed forces.

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2013
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