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Posts Tagged ‘Christianity’

DIY worshippers demand closure of churches on Sunday

Worshippers of the gods of tinkering, pottering and fixing up have pledged to oppose moves to extend church opening times, and to defend Sundays as a ‘designated day for hardware-based activities.’

Rev Stephen ‘Bodger’ Davis of the Church of the Holy Dremmel, said: ‘Sunday are sacred to us. There’s plenty of time throughout the week to pray to Christ and sing hymns – no-one needs an extra half day. We accept that not everyone goes to the hardware store week in, week out, but we have to remember that this is still a DIY-worshipping nation. Unless our traditions are maintained, children will soon have no idea what decking was or why the Ground Force Trinity were so important.’

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Posted: Jul 11th, 2015
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Meek of the earth ‘still waiting’

‘It’s been 2,000 years’ said Brian, a member of the Meek Society ‘and we still haven’t inherited anything. I suggested seeing a lawyer, but the one we went to had a pretty stern receptionist so after a few minutes of blushing and stammering we left again.’

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Posted: May 8th, 2015
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Jesus still working on ‘difficult’ second coming

star admits he's kept fans waiting 'too long'‘You’ve got to strike that difficult balance between giving fans more of what they want and taking things on artistically.’

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Posted: Mar 10th, 2015
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Church of England ‘forces women into bobble hats’

the Devil doesn't wear Pom PomsCovering should be ‘fluffy, preferably woollen, with a pom-pom on top’.

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Posted: Mar 5th, 2015
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Thousands of UK churchgoers at risk of being interested

centuries of boring them to death still not workingThousands of young people who regularly attend church in the UK may be vulnerable to feelings of mild interest, according to a report released today.

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Posted: Feb 14th, 2015
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