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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Met Office warns of a warm Christmas

chestnuts to be roasted in the sunshine on the patio‘It’s probable that some areas are going to experience double digit temperatures over Christmas,’ conceded a Met Office official today. ‘We think it could be due to a warm southerly front or the new supercomputer overheating, but there is a real risk of a warm Christmas, with grey skies and light drizzle. You know, like the last 45 Christmases everywhere outside the Scottish Highlands, only a bit warmer still.’

Charities are in crisis mode as they realise that the homeless might prefer to sit outside in balmy weather rather than be fussed over by God bothering, happy-clappy do-gooders in draughty church halls. ‘We have a lake of soup to dispense on Christmas Day, now it looks like we need to find sufficient stocks of white gazpacho at a time of high demand, a real nightmare situation,’ said one charity worker.

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Posted: Dec 19th, 2014
More from UK News

Africans ‘perfectly well aware it’s Christmas’

‘The choir in my church started singing carols a couple of weeks ago and that reminded me,’ said Jonas Chigumbure, who is one of the few non-churchgoers in his neighbourhood. ‘However, I hadn’t been aware they had done that awful song again – well, at least thank God it’s them instead of us, eh?’

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Posted: Dec 17th, 2014
More from News In Brief

Petrol stations stock up ahead of ‘last minute dad shopping’

she's simply going to love itStocking up on Peppa Pig merchandise

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Posted: Dec 16th, 2014
More from From The Archives

‘Glorious 26th’ to mark start of first video camera drone shooting season

shot as they emerge from their nesting grounds at the bottom of Christmas treesCountry sports enthusiasts are gearing themselves up for the Glorious 26 December, the official start of the Drone Shooting season. The skies are expected to be filled with the first wave of video camera drones flying in every direction across the UK as the wrapping paper is peeled off thousands of Christmas presents.

Drone shooting has now been added to the list of popular country sports, outstripping badger baiting, organic cock-fighting and rent raising for tenant farmers.

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2014
More from Lifestyle

Festive Jumpers: Are they the new black?‏

lighten up... it's Christmas!What’s snuggly, fun and covered in Santas? Of course, the answer is Stripper Elves; but to some it is festive jumpers. Up and down the country, designers ask the same question – is Christmas-themed knitwear what’s hot? To which the answer is no. Simply, no. No, no, noety no. No. For the love of God, no! Yet Britain’s retailers interpret this as a resounding ‘maybe’; with every garment now coming with an obligatory chestnut being spit-roasted by an open fire.

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Posted: Dec 4th, 2014
More from Lifestyle