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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Salads to feature ‘extra cold sore’ in the run up to Xmas

Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister.  This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.

One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes. 

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Posted: Nov 23rd, 2015
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Starbucks Christmas colours ‘are protest against tampon tax’

In a move that market analysts say is sure to be popular with their EU female clientele, Starbucks have revealed that their new Christmas cup is a protest against the EU’s tax on female sanitary products.

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Posted: Nov 13th, 2015
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Ethiopian rains fail – fears grow of new Band Aid single

DJs and shops across the country have already begun clearing time on their playlists for the as yet unwritten and unrecorded single to confirm their support of the unconfirmed campaign, lest they be considered as unchristmassy as someone who doesn’t care for the Coca-Cola advert.

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Posted: Nov 11th, 2015
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‘Where’s my fucking penguin?’ asks man on the moon

The man on the moon featured in this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert has sent an angry letter back to the little girl on earth demanding to know what happened to the penguin he wanted. In an expletive-laden rant the man lambasted the girl for sending a telescope and not a penguin ‘like the cute little fucker from last year’s ad.’

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Posted: Nov 7th, 2015
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Supermarkets launch Christmas 2016

With Halloween almost upon us and Bonfire Night shortly behind, savvy supermarket managers are limbering up to pop their 10 track Christmas CD on loop in the stores music system for everyone’s enjoyment.

‘The 6th November wouldn’t be 6th November without Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ coming on 17 times a day…

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2015
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