‘It’s the nightmare scenario,’ said a spokesman from Jane’s Decency Review, ‘A Twitter attack can be launched any time, any place, and there’s little you can do about it.’

Last week, after luring thousands of people into her world, one Tweeticide bomber launched a full front attack on their self esteem. Having gained their confidence with some work related semi useful information, she then launched wave after wave of Improvised Emotional Demoralisers (IEDs), with aspirational bombshells designed to cut anyone’s self esteem to pieces. First came a reference to a happy family scene. There followed a series of shocking revelations about ecstatic gift receiving incidents. Next, she boasted how much she loved the Christmas TV entertainment on show, twisting the metaphorical bayonet she’d just plunged into many reader’s hearts. ‘Only one in ten people enjoy anything on telly these days, and that’s usually ruined by someone talking over it,’ said an expert. ‘To discover that someone else is living the dream is like a form of reverse Schadenfreude.’

But worse was to follow. The reverse Schadenfreude technique, say experts, is merely the softening up processes, in preparation for the big bang. ‘Having a fab Xmas in our new holiday cottage that hubby did such a brilliant job converting,’ said a typical Tweet. With its implications of contentment, stress free property development, excessive wealth and a mutually supportive marriage, the tweet carries all the critical elements that could devastate most mortals.

The evolution in terror techniques was in response to heightened awareness about traditional round robins, whose predictability made them easier to detect. But the new tweet-powered round Robins, being shorter and punchier, have a devastating range and can find their target wherever they are.

‘Be very very careful who you follow on Twitter,’ said one expert, ‘as soon as you detect any sign of smugness, we advise you to get out and stay out. Don’t go back, no matter what, as that would be emotional suicide.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but only in very small doses’ Porche, 19, from Essex told us. ‘I would rather go to Next.co.uk or play Dwane at poker on Facebook.’

A leading psychologist explained that modern technology, and a seemingly endless connection to the internet, has meant the deterioration of ‘quality family time’ at Christmas. ‘I could go on to explain the reasons that people are more attached to the internet than they are to their families, and why attention spans are decreasing, but why bother. This quote will be at the end of your report so no one will read it.’

‘All we are asking for is a fair draw for the presents,’ continued the shepherd. ‘It’s the same story every year. We’re minding our own business, and the sheep, when we are woken by a golden host of angels telling us to ‘fear not’ and promising us ‘glad tidings’ if we go and visit a baby.’

‘So we wrap up a lamb, struggle down the green hillside (which is quite far away, I can tell you) and make our way to the Inn. Then we stick our secret Santa present under the manger, which serves as a makeshift Christmas tree, and invariably, we end up leaving with nothing other than some cow crap on our Jesus sandals.’

The shepherds are not the only participants to complain. Three gentile men arrived fashionably late carrying their seasonal contributions and found themselves leaving with nothing several hours later, older and wiser for their experience. ‘Do you know how much myrrh costs per litre these days?’ said one. ‘As usual we got nothing in return; not even that rather badly wrapped package that seemed to be baaing. I don’t know how we let ourselves get taken in every year. Next time, I’m just going to send them a Christmas card.’

Exactly what happened to all the Secret Santa presents remains something of a mystery. As the shepherds and wiser men appear to have been overlooked in the secret draw, the finger of suspicion seems to point to the father of the baby, one Joseph. ‘After all,’ commented the third shepherd, ‘it would be some kind of miracle if the baby had nicked the gifts.’

The house has seen some of the most brutal battles of the divorce, with barrages of legal letters fired by both sides until their finances were reduced to rubble and both sides were bogged down in a quagmire of ill feeling and petty squabbles.

“When this thing started, I thought it would all be over by Christmas” said Joe, looking exhausted after spending six months living in the shed. “It all began over Franz Ferdinand. I accused her of not putting one of their CDs back in the right place in the rack, and she retaliated by complaining about my snoring. Things escalated from there and once the lawyers got involved it soon turned into a war of attrition. I gained access to the power tools, and then she made a lightning raid on the dinner service. Pretty soon we were at stalemate with both of us bunkered down in defensive positions over the bread machine and pension rights.”

For her part, Paula made some good initial gains over access rights to the house, but had to retreat when the light bulbs needed changing in the kitchen and the washing machine waste pipe became blocked. “I will admit to some initial weaknesses” said Paula “But since I met the plumber with the big moustache and ballcock I’ve been making advances on a few fronts.”

“For one day at least, it will be all quiet on the Western Front.” Quipped Joe from his shed.

With a Santa’s hat-tip to Jeni B

In a recent press release, Eastenders producer Sheila Micklethwaite outlined how chirpy stall holder Winston, played by David Okawande, would controversially spend most of the five-hour Christmas special happily watching his young children unwrap their presents, partaking in a traditional Christmas dinner and then slowly dozing off in front of Doctor Who. ‘Eastenders has always been about facing difficult issues head on,’ said Micklethwaite. ‘Viewers can rest assured that we won’t be pulling any punches – unlike Winston, who doesn’t punch anybody.’

Eastenders last hit the headlines earlier this year, when sassy Queen Vic barmaid Sam joined friends at a New Year’s Eve party which passed without incident. When the character shockingly failed to get stalked, sexually assaulted or murdered, shamefaced scriptwriters were forced to introduce a baby swapping story in order to redress the balance of relentless despair.

Speaking in an interview in the Radio Times, Okawande described the plotline as ’one of the most challenging pieces of acting’ he has ever been asked to achieve. ‘It was truly harrowing and very hard work – especially the scene where I help Winston’s wife with the washing up – the theme of goodwill to all men really goes beyond what Eastenders is all about. ‘

‘Viewers can expect to have their preconceptions shattered in a myriad of ways,’ he warned. ‘For instance, for most of the time I’m actually smiling – in stark and brutal contrast to the dour joyless expressions of the rest of the cast. At one stage I’m even called upon to laugh and wish everyone a merry Christmas! If that’s not pushing the envelope of contemporary serialised television drama I don’t know what is.’

BBC executives have however promised that lovers of festive depression will not go uncatered for. Strictly Come Murdering premiers on Christmas Day on BBC 1, after the Queen’s Speech.

‘We accept that in hindsight choosing 25th December was a mistake,’ said chief spokesman for Christianity, God. ‘Originally we thought that it would be a great time to have the festival – practically everyone’s off work for Christmas and the schools are closed. We thought it would give everyone plenty of time to go to church to celebrate the birth of Christ the Lord your Saviour, but in reality people are far too busy eating too much, getting pissed, trying to cop off at office parties and watching the My Family Christmas special. We really need a quieter time of year for our celebrations.’

God admitted that the problem started from no-one knowing exactly when Jesus was born. ‘We were too busy trying to work out what you do with myrrh to write the date down,’ He said. ‘We knew 25th December was already the date of Christmas and pagan Yule festival, but we were confident we could make it our own. All the pagans had was a bit of holly, mistletoe and those chocolate Yule logs, so there wasn’t much to overcome. We introduced a few carols and people were won over. What we hadn’t counted on was Christmas being so enduringly popular. Songs like Merry Xmas Everybody and I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday are so engrained in tradition we stood no chance against them. We did try to trick people with Cliff Richard songs for a few years, but most normal people weren’t fooled. Ultimately we just couldn’t compete.’

Leading supporter of Christmas, Santa Claus, a long time critic of the Christians’ efforts to weaken the mass commercialisation message of Christmas, welcomed the news. ‘It’s about time they moved their festival,’ he complained. ‘Some children don’t even realise that Christmas isn’t all about going to church and giving thanks to God. The present-receiving message is being watered down all the time. Plus if you’ve got to open presents and cook turkey on Christmas Day, how can you possibly find time to go to church? And the number of times I’ve almost been spotted by children who’ve been forced to stay up late to go to midnight mass – I’ll be glad not to have to worry about that any more.’

Christians have already started the search for an alternative date for their celebrations. ‘It’s not easy though,’ grumbled God. ‘We were thinking about some time in the Spring, but we’d have to avoid a clash with Easter. We wouldn’t want to interrupt people’s chocolate eating activities.’

According to Tony Miller, a London-based Creative Director who employs two emotional rapists to oversee his agency’s Christmas output, their use has now become standard practice within the industry. ‘Regular ‘creatives’ are fine at getting someone to buy more baked beans or consider the benefits of a rotating toothbrush,’ he says, ‘but when it comes to convincing low-income parents that crippling and unnecessary consumption is the only way to make their own children love them, well, that’s where these guys step in.’

He continued ‘it used to be that we could just put whatever we were trying to flog next to baubles and walnuts and then film it, but in today’s economic climate, it’s just not enough. Mummy and daddy need to really feel how much of a disappointment they’ll be in the eyes of their nine-year-old daughter if, come Christmas morning, she doesn’t unwrap an Elmo with electronics in it and lots of tiny plastic sluts plus accessories.’

Kristian Baker, a fully qualified freelance emotional rapist from Shoreditch, says although Christmas is his busiest time of year, his services are always in high demand. ‘It’s not just Christmas, I’m busy all year round, advising my clients on the most effective way to really turn the emotional screws on their target market.’

‘I’ve worked with everyone; from advising Wonga.com on the use of cartoon imagery as a way of making sub-prime borrowing appear unthreatening, to helping Just For Men insinuate that the slightest visible onset of natural ageing will leave you divorced and unemployable. And it’s me who pioneered the use of sepia in debt-consolidation adverts. You’ll be seeing a lot of those in January’ he added.

He was also keen to dismiss any accusations that what he does for a living could be construed as deeply immoral. ‘I’m just a normal guy, and I know exactly what families go through at Christmas. In fact, I’ve got a wife and two kids myself… although they’re strictly for research purposes.’

‘It’s the ideal stocking filler,’ OUP’s Trevor Sparrow tweeted. ‘Sir Jimmy’s death unleashed such a flood of platitudes, clichés and innuendo; we couldn’t miss the opportunity. Anyone asked to pay tribute to someone they never got on with will find this dictionary a godsend.

‘It’s also a celebration of the rich subtlety of the English language. In what other language could you say, ‘He was unique, a larger-than-life character, a one-off, who found it difficult to allow people to get close,’ secure in the knowledge that everyone knows you really mean: ‘He was a talentless, publicity-hungry, jewellery-jangling, track-suited Jimmy No-mates, who got inexplicably lucky?’

The new dictionary will contain such gems as: ‘Not so much a mourning of his passing, more a celebration, the deathless: ‘None of us knew the real him – perhaps not even himself,’ the classic, ‘Whatever you thought of him, he did do an awful lot for charity,’ and the unforgettable, ‘It was such a shame he was never able to sustain any strong relationships, except with his mother, especially after she died.’

Clarky, hat-tip to Waylandsmithy