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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Children to resume being little shits again

Since mid-December, children have being making an effort to be slightly less obnoxious than usual in the hope that Santa will forget what they’ve been like for the rest of the year. But since the appearance of overpriced tat wrapped in shiny paper, such concerns have been abandoned.

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Posted: Dec 25th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Office Adultery Season ends on a high

Initial reports suggest that the 2014 Office Adultery Season was the best since records began. Tearful exits from Christmas parties are up 11% on last 2013, with sales of pregnancy testing kits breaking all records.

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Posted: Dec 25th, 2014
More from News In Brief



‘We don’t like you either’, sprouts tell humans

give peas a chanceBrussels sprouts have issued a Christmas message today stating that the feelings of loathing and distaste people have for them is entirely mutual.

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Posted: Dec 24th, 2014
More from UK News



Santa to sue all householders who fail to display correct allergen info on mince pies

can't go on for another 2000 years like thisSanta Claus has said he will be suing billions of householders this year if they fail to supply him with food and drink without clearly displaying the correct allergy information. New EU laws came into effect this month that require anyone providing food to be able to supply information about the ‘14 everyday allergens’. That is to protect those in the UK that have severe reaction to certain things including nuts, soya, dairy, fish, horse, immigrants and queue jumping.

‘Over the last twelve months I have been self-diagnosed with a fashionable form of gluten intolerance’, Mr Claus said. ‘This has meant I have had to avoid bread, pastries and almost certainly mince bloody pies. I’m sure one or two would be fine, but I consumed billions of the buggers last year and not one was correctly labelled. At least now there’s a law that means I can sue their inconsiderate arses. As a result of their allergen ignorance, I had a severe allergic reaction last time and put on about 260 stone.’

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Posted: Dec 23rd, 2014
More from World News



Party of teachers finally settles restaurant bill from 2013 Christmas lunch

still arguing over 'afters'After a year of painful negotiations, a group of teachers has today finally agreed how to allocate the bill from their 2013 Christmas lunch, just in time to book into the same restaurant for their 2014 event.  ‘I know it sounds like a small sum to those in the private sector,’ said one member of the group, ‘but there was an important principle at stake: I didn’t have a starter and Eric had two glasses of wine.  And I won’t even mention a certain person who isn’t even a teacher, she’s just a supply, yet she had a Black Forest gateau that wasn’t even on the set menu.  She clearly doesn’t do things by half. Except with her job.’

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Posted: Dec 21st, 2014
More from UK News