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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Santa to sue all householders who fail to display correct allergen info on mince pies

can't go on for another 2000 years like thisSanta Claus has said he will be suing billions of householders this year if they fail to supply him with food and drink without clearly displaying the correct allergy information. New EU laws came into effect this month that require anyone providing food to be able to supply information about the ‘14 everyday allergens’. That is to protect those in the UK that have severe reaction to certain things including nuts, soya, dairy, fish, horse, immigrants and queue jumping.

‘Over the last twelve months I have been self-diagnosed with a fashionable form of gluten intolerance’, Mr Claus said. ‘This has meant I have had to avoid bread, pastries and almost certainly mince bloody pies. I’m sure one or two would be fine, but I consumed billions of the buggers last year and not one was correctly labelled. At least now there’s a law that means I can sue their inconsiderate arses. As a result of their allergen ignorance, I had a severe allergic reaction last time and put on about 260 stone.’

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Posted: Dec 23rd, 2014
More from World News



Party of teachers finally settles restaurant bill from 2013 Christmas lunch

still arguing over 'afters'After a year of painful negotiations, a group of teachers has today finally agreed how to allocate the bill from their 2013 Christmas lunch, just in time to book into the same restaurant for their 2014 event.  ‘I know it sounds like a small sum to those in the private sector,’ said one member of the group, ‘but there was an important principle at stake: I didn’t have a starter and Eric had two glasses of wine.  And I won’t even mention a certain person who isn’t even a teacher, she’s just a supply, yet she had a Black Forest gateau that wasn’t even on the set menu.  She clearly doesn’t do things by half. Except with her job.’

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Posted: Dec 21st, 2014
More from UK News



Met Office warns of a warm Christmas

chestnuts to be roasted in the sunshine on the patio‘It’s probable that some areas are going to experience double digit temperatures over Christmas,’ conceded a Met Office official today. ‘We think it could be due to a warm southerly front or the new supercomputer overheating, but there is a real risk of a warm Christmas, with grey skies and light drizzle. You know, like the last 45 Christmases everywhere outside the Scottish Highlands, only a bit warmer still.’

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Posted: Dec 19th, 2014
More from UK News



Africans ‘perfectly well aware it’s Christmas’

‘The choir in my church started singing carols a couple of weeks ago and that reminded me,’ said Jonas Chigumbure, who is one of the few non-churchgoers in his neighbourhood. ‘However, I hadn’t been aware they had done that awful song again – well, at least thank God it’s them instead of us, eh?’

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Posted: Dec 17th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Petrol stations stock up ahead of ‘last minute dad shopping’

she's simply going to love itStocking up on Peppa Pig merchandise

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Posted: Dec 16th, 2014
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