David Cameron has announced that, as part of the Big Society, British citizens will be allowed to kill any student on minimum wage who accosts them in the street, pretends he is working for Save the Squid and treats them as their greatest friend on Earth.

‘Under the last Labour government, we tolerated desperate-for-money students putting on Friends of the Weasel T-shirts to extort money from people and spend it on beer,’ Cameron said.

‘No more! The coalition government will issue all citizens with a semi-automatic on request, thus enabling them to blast these pretentious vermin to shreds, while Community Police Oficers concentrate on finding the nearest Caffe Nero. It’s what the Big Society is all about.’

John Wiltshire

Hendry’s conversation with the bright-eyed out-of-work actress had sparked from the start, and he was sure they had made a connection when she noticed that he looked like ‘a really giving person’. ‘You can’t fake that sort of chemistry,’ he insisted. ‘She looked me straight in the eye, raised her clipboard and said the five words every man wants to hear: ‘I’ll only take a minute’. I was like a lamb to the slaughter.’

However doubts emerged as the recently separated man failed to hear anything further from Katie, despite making sure the perky fundraiser had his name, two email addresses, and mobile, office, and home phone numbers. ‘I don’t get it, I mean I know how to read women, and all the signs were there. She even showed an interest in my family, wanting to know about my mother, and her maiden name. How could I have misread those signs?’

Now, Hendry is trying hard not to succumb to the inevitable bitterness of a failed relationship, despite reports from a friend that Katie was seen ‘feeding the same lines to some other poor sap outside Snappy Snaps last Saturday’, and is taking solace in the fact there is still a long time to run before his 12-month direct debit lapses.

‘She had me at ‘I’m sure you’re busy…’ he lamented, ‘But now I can’t even look at an emaciated malnourished child on a TV ad without thinking about how cruel life can be, and how I truly believed her when she said I was ‘her favourite today’.

Visitors can take a stroll along the fully recreated ‘High Street’, littered with authentic beggers, chuggers, drug addicts and free-newspaper vendors, while constantly being nudged in the back by blank eyed office workers listening to their iPods. Refreshments are available at traditional urban shops such as ‘Starbucks’ and ‘Another Starbucks’, where large and expensive cups of coffee can be bought in take-away cups, which customers are encouraged to discard on the pavement in the traditional way. Refreshments are available from the local Wetherspoons and there is space to throw up on the pavement outside.

A fact sheet will help visitors identify the different types of discarded drugs paraphernalia and used condoms. School groups are welcome, and it’s hoped that teenagers will learn about the ancient mating rituals still practised by city youngsters in pub car parks, as well as the age-old art of mugging and knife crime.

The ‘Urban Blight Experience’ will be open throughout the year, unless it looks as if it might possibly snow. Vistors are encouraged to come by car and spend several hours looking for a parking space. The management cannot guarantee that your car will still there on your return.

The 430 page report detailed the guerrilla tactics used to obtain the credit card details of law-abiding citizens and highlighted the three most common methods of so called ‘charity mugging’ which is now recognized as a major social menace:

‘The most common specimen we identified was the so-called ‘Everyones mate’’ said the chairman of the investigating committee Sir Norman McPhail. ‘You know the sort of thing; “Hey my man, shake my hand” This type plays on the public’s own self-consciousness to dupe the target into making physical contact with the charity worker. Once the personal space has been invaded, resistance is futile.’

The report also identified the classic ‘Capitalist reject’ who targets disillusioned office workers by playing on the liberal conscience inherent in most humans; the 40% tax payer that has joined the Free-Tibet FaceBook group and once gave the Tsunami fund a fiver. ‘However,’ concluded the report ‘The most disgusting tactic witnessed was the use of attractive students, commonly with dreadlocks and often barefoot. Most men over 25 are so overwhelmed with the fantasy that she is only approaching them because she finds them more attractive than the commission she’ll get when they inevitably give her their sort code.’ However, the illusion has now been shattered by the report, that reveal many of these girls drink WKD at the weekend and buy clothes from TopShop with their bonuses from frequently smashed monthly targets.

With their aggressive methods now exposed, there is now a fear that the charities might find it simpler just to beat people up and nick their wallets. ‘Feeling oppressed by charity muggers is now a recognised psychological syndrome with its own voluntary trust,’ said Sir Norman. ‘Last week I was approached in the street by some students collecting money for it.’