‘We live in a culture where too much emphasis is put on expensive clothes and high-profile brands,’ said Dr Williams, wearing hand-embroidered silk robes and a gold mitre, and addressing his audience from the pulpit of the Church of England’s flagship outlet. ‘It’s all very cynical, and with advertising playing on their fears, it’s no wonder vulnerable people end up following the crowd. Trust me, I know just how easy it is to be sucked into believing cynical claims that couldn’t possibly be true.’

The archbishop went on to warn that if the underlying excuses for smashing up shops and stealing things aren’t dealt with, the disorder could be repeated. ‘Ask yourself, ‘what would Jesus do?’. You’ll be surprised just how often he would have unthinkingly backed you up, perhaps even helped you carry a 32-inch plasma screen TV back to your flat. That’s the beauty of taking advice from imaginary friends – they always give you the answer you’re looking for.’

‘Think of it this way,’ he continued. ‘We don’t condemn Jesus for upsetting the tables of the money lenders at the temple, but is that really any different to turning over a JD Sports in Brixton? You cannot ask criminals who got caught up in the moment to take responsibility for their actions. After all, you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, just like you can’t feed 5,000 without first smashing in the front of a McDonalds.’

But Dr Williams was quick to avoid any suggestion of hypocrisy and suggested that the Bible had all the answers. ‘When faced with temptation, just ask yourself whether Jesus would he have accepted goods gained immorally. I’ve thought about it and persuaded myself that’s exactly what Jesus would do, especially if he really fancied a pair of trendy new sandals. Hey, not even Jesus got through life without a criminal record.’

The Archbishop made the remarks in a guest editorial for Shoot magazine. He goes on to complain about Wenger’s increasing use of the fluid 4-3-3 formation.

Wenger played down claims that the Archbishop had overstepped the mark: ‘He’s a football fan like any other and he’s free to express his views,’ he told reporters.

The remarks are the strongest attack on a Premier Leauge manager since Lord Runcie‘s famous ‘You‘re shit, and you know you are‘ outbursts in Synod in 1987.

A spokesman from Lambeth Palace said that Dr Williams was busy reviewing the 4-2-4 chalice-formation used at last week’s Commonwealth Communion Service in Westminster Abbey, and was therefore unavailable for comment.

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‘Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a coalition based on a lie,’ said Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘I fear that what we have here is nothing more than a marriage of convenience perpetrated to stop either party being removed from power in the UK.’

A Church of England investigation suggests that in the last year alone as many as 306 Tory MPs and 57 Lib Dem MPs have been implicated in an organised sham marriage racket. ‘People forget that what looks like an act of deception committed by two people is often the work of criminal gangs involved in far more sinister activities like massive public sector cuts and the extortion of crippling amounts of money from students.’

New guidelines for vicars on spotting sham marriages suggest that the Cameron-Clegg ceremony ought to have set alarm bells ringing from the start. ‘In hindsight, it is clear that the couple barely knew each other and that the families on both sides looked pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing – indeed the Maid of Honour, Vince Cable, looked visibly frightened at what he was being asked to do. But it can be very difficult for vicars when one or even both parties to the marriage are willing to jump into bed with almost anyone to gain a modicum of social standing.’

Journalist Nick Robinson, who was present at the garden party reception at No.10, now admits that the couple’s specially adapted vows were the biggest giveaway. ‘The vicar asked, ‘Do you, David William Donald Cameron, promise to use the financial crisis as an opportunity to push through your ideological belief in a smaller state which helps the rich and punishes the poor?’ He then asked, ‘And do you, Nicholas William Peter Clegg, promise to let him do it?’ Nick Clegg said, ‘I do’, which at least is a promise he appears to have kept.’

But supporters of the coalition argue that Cameron and Clegg have much in common and are very happily married. ‘They have very similar backgrounds, and when you see the two of them together there’s no denying the bromance.’ Critics remain unconvinced, however. ‘You know it’s not a proper marriage when they can’t even find anything to disagree about.’

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‘We’re sick of losing ground to stricter religions’ said a spokesman. ‘The bobble hat, as well as representing an English cultural tradition going back many years, is an effective way of ensuring a lady’s modesty. We’re not saying anyone who refuses to wear it is going to hell. We’re just saying they’re probably a slut.’

A pilot study in south London revealed strong support among conservative Evangelicals for the move. After two months of hat-wearing last summer the congregation of Holy Trinity, Wallington went even further, forcing their women to wear anoraks when out and about. It is understood extremist fringes quickly added waterproof trousers to the uniform, ‘just in case’.

The motives of the Anglican ministry have been questioned by observers however. Some pointed out that the church pension board became a major investor in Millets, the high street camping equipment store only last month, while others noted the reversal of the Church’s previous tolerant position, which saw many women ordained to positions of authority. ‘We’ve thought of that’ said the spokesman. ‘Their bobble hats will be called ‘Birettas’ and in accordance with their status, their cassocks will be made of the finest duffel.’

There have also been sinister rumours that female churchgoers unwilling to comply with the hardline rules have been subject to a public tutting. Church officials, however, insist that ecclesiatical law is clear that the only sanction for non-compliance is ‘harmless’ private eye-rolling at coffee mornings. And despite the controversy, there are already signs that the new approach might boost attendance figures.

‘I never knew what the C of E stood for’ said Stacey Williams, 23. ‘But now I know it has a random, defeminising dress code that will make me stand out in public, I’m definitely more interested. And as a committed advocate of equal rights, I just can’t wait to get stuck into making intellectually tortuous feminist justifications for being being forced to sell jumble.’

SuburbanDad, with a hat-tip to IronDuke

‘What many people don’t realise,’ said Guide editor Rev Henry Newcombe, ‘is how many churches now boast their own micro wineries. Competition between the parishes can be very fierce. A favourable review and word of a vicar with a heavy tipping elbow puts bums on pews and can make a significant difference when the collection plate is passed around.’

The Guide is famed for its flowing praise and occasional brutal honesty. For example, the entry for St. Winifred’s, Buckley, notes ‘Truly appalling wine which is sadly matched by the quality of the rather dull service,’ adding ‘If the merciful Lord were walking amongst us today, this is the wine that he would be turning back into water.’

The winning parish for 2011 is in the sleepy Yorkshire market town of Clipton. Visitors to the 14th Century church, dedicated to St. Barnabus, are treated to different wines according to the time of the service. The Guide describes their 8.00 am BCP communion wine as ‘a good session wine and well worth getting up for.’

But the most fulsome praise is reserved for their 11am Sung Eucharist wine: ‘A fiery blessing with contrasting hints of brimstone, damnation and eventual forgiveness that will bring you to your knees in thanksgiving. It reaches deep into the soul and refreshes the parts other religious tinctures cannot reach. Alleluia!’

The Guide’s winning entry concludes with praise for their hemp communion wafers which have been baked by St. Barnabus stalwart Lottie Smith for the last 25 years. ‘The perfect accompaniment,’ says the Guide, ‘which leaves you on a spiritual high for the rest of the day.’

The controversial debate centres on a fundamental tenet of faith that at the moment of communion the priest becomes the living spirit of Jesus Christ who was a man, and who therefore would have definitely understood the off-side law.  ’It states clearly in the Bible, And lo, let no man pass the ball to an attacking player lest there be at least one defender between him and the goal,’ said Bishop Mike Dean.  ‘Oh unless he is deemed to be inactive in the first phase of play or something, something. Amen.  Anyway, the Bible is very clear on this.’

The referee bishops say that the switch will not affect their ability to officiate at matches, except that they won’t be able to run quite as fast wearing cassocks and a mitre.  There may also be slight adjustments to the sanctions; for a two footed tackle; a player will no longer get a red card but will be asked to say ten ‘hail Marys’ and be told to go in peace. ‘Also if we have a quiet word with a team captain, it will be done in the confession box through a lattice screen and we won’t actually know who it is we are talking to.’

The female linesman at the centre of the storm said in a brief statement that she hopes that the controversy will soon blow over and that she will ultimately be judged on how she performs on the touchline; prompting Andy Gray to say ‘All right love, don’t go on about it, bloody hell, it must be her time of the month or something…’

Peter Saint, speaking on behalf of the nigh-omnipotent deity, has confirmed that ‘prayers offered in the 2007-2010 religious period are now next up in the in-tray’.

Reading out a statement, God’s Right-hand spin-doctor said: ‘Sure this might not be a great comfort to those that requested help with a sick relative for example, but the number of requests has really ramped up since the Gordon Brown years.

‘I’ve got funding for a couple of contractors to start in the New Year and we expect to be cracking on with the 2008 caseload by February. I’m confident that we will be back on track by this time next year, but I can see a very large file for May 2010, mostly from someone called Clegg? Might have to work a couple of weekends to clear that one.’

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‘Tradition is all very well,’ complained the Right Reverend James Langstaff, the  Bishop of Rochester, ‘but how can I preach the word of God in an increasingly secular world when I have to wear a big red frock all day and can only bounce around at odd angles? I look a right pillock, me.’

The relevance of the Church in modern society is increasingly under question. Many feel that the bishops lack the flexibility to take on the challenges of 21st century life, though others point to Archbishop Desmond Tutu as an example of what a black bishop can achieve single-handedly.