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Posts Tagged ‘Church’

DIY worshippers demand closure of churches on Sunday

Worshippers of the gods of tinkering, pottering and fixing up have pledged to oppose moves to extend church opening times, and to defend Sundays as a ‘designated day for hardware-based activities.’

Rev Stephen ‘Bodger’ Davis of the Church of the Holy Dremmel, said: ‘Sunday are sacred to us. There’s plenty of time throughout the week to pray to Christ and sing hymns – no-one needs an extra half day. We accept that not everyone goes to the hardware store week in, week out, but we have to remember that this is still a DIY-worshipping nation. Unless our traditions are maintained, children will soon have no idea what decking was or why the Ground Force Trinity were so important.’

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Posted: Jul 11th, 2015
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Britain’s first multiplex church opens in Uxbridge

The Church of England has hit back in the fight against dwindling congregations with the grand opening of Britain’s first ever six-pulpit multiplex church. Situated in Uxbridge’s prestigious new Mullard Mills shopping complex, St. Peter’s, Paul’s & Mary’s Church officially opened its doors to worshippers this morning.

‘The opening of this hallowed edifice brings the Church kicking and screaming into the 21st century,’ said the vicar, Reverend Simon Charminster. ‘Why drag yourself out of bed on a Sunday morning to sit in a draughty old church when you can come here at any time of day to catch a wide range of masses, services and evensongs in super hi-def surround-sound?’

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2015
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Fat cat food bank boss urged to return ‘bonus’ baked beans

‘It’s not right,’ said parishioner Wendy Wood who attends the Rev Smith’s church. ‘OK, he helps out on Saturday morning, but why should he get a fat bonus? I’m quite partial to the Co-op’s beans myself.’

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Posted: Feb 20th, 2013
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Homeless urge rethink on gay marriage

Recently divorced, homeless, unemployed 56-year-old Tory activist Jason Beesley from Gosport said that the hope of not seeing gays kissing in church was the only thing making his life worthwhile.

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Posted: Feb 7th, 2013
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Christian festival to be moved to avoid clash with Christmas

Satanic market forces at work‘In hindsight choosing 25th December was a mistake. We thought it would be a great time to have the festival – practically everyone’s off work for Christmas and the schools are closed. But in reality people are far too busy eating too much, getting pissed, trying to cop off at office parties and watching the My Family Christmas special.’

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Posted: Dec 8th, 2011
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