‘February, unlike most other months, is known to drift over time and can be affected by a range of climactic and meteorological factors,’ explained the lead researcher. ‘While a traditional February usually oscillates between 28 and 29 days, it’s now known that during the last ice age Februaries of up to 34 days were not uncommon. We can only assume that a dramatic shortening of February is the direct result of man’s impact on the environment.’

However, the research findings have immediately been challenged by climate change sceptics who claim that leaked emails show the figures have been selectively chosen and that 2012 will almost certainly have the longest February of the decade so far.

‘February is following a natural rhythmic cycle and there is absolutely no evidence that carbon emissions have any impact on the length of this month,’ argued Elias Jones from the Exxon Institute for Climatic Chronology, based in Salt Lake City, Utah. ‘It’s absurd to suggest that a spot of man-made pollution could affect the time we have on this planet.’

‘This whole thing is just as much of a conspiracy as the arguments against creationism,’ continued Jones. ‘I don’t know what anyone finds so hard to follow. The Earth was created on 29 February in a Leap Year and so is only a quarter of the age that these Big Bang fanatics claim.’

‘There is absolutely no place for this type of bigotry in the modern game,’ said Barry Jones, the FA’s new climate change guru and leading light in the zero-tolerance community. ‘We’ve come a long way since the days when it was considered acceptable for players and fans to joke about holes in the ozone layer and melting ice caps, but now we need to stamp it out for good.’

In recent years many football fans have reported their Saturday afternoons being blighted by an uneducated minority who pollute the stands with their anti-science chants. Global warming deniers have long taunted opposition fans with chants such as ‘You’re not singeing anymore’, and, in a reference to rising sea levels, ‘You only sing when you’re swimming’. Meanwhile West Country teams such as Yeovil Town, where there is a large wind turbine community, have been subject to abusive chants like ‘You can stick your fucking windmills up your arse’.

The FA’s campaign builds on research they conducted that found a clear link between the Holocaust, racism and scepticism towards claims by solar panel and wind turbine marketing managers. There are now fears that many of the top premier league players, who come from nations like Spain and Germany where photovoltaic technology is streets ahead of our own, could boycott English football in disgust.

‘At the end of the day these climate change deniers are all cowards,’ continued Jones. ‘They’re happy to dish it out, but if you ask one of them to back up their chants with empirical evidence, they soon back down. ‘I’m not a climate change denier,’ they’ll say. ‘Some of my best friends are leading research climatologists with an unshakeable belief in man-made climate change.’ Well, from now on they’ll be telling that to the judge.’

He added: ‘It’s no exaggeration to say that Britain could soon be flooded then burned to a crisp while everyone gets skin cancer. Is that what you want for our young footballers? Because that’s what will happen.’

ronseal (hat-tip to rickwestwell)

‘Over-enthusiasm among trendy carbon offsetters has had the unfortunate consequence that the entirety of Brixton now nestles hidden under a leafy canopy,’ said Alice Renfield, spokeswoman for Friends of the Earth. ‘It is thought that an area the size of Wales is turning into forest every three days – only in Birmingham.’

‘Frankly, we’re begging U2 not to do another world tour, she continued. ‘You might say Slough is a heap of shit, and you might be right, but would you really want to see it disappear beneath the beeches by this time next year? I tell you, it’s a jungle out there.’

gaijintendo

Speaking from his base at the Whitgift Shopping Centre deep in the heart of Croydon, Santa agreed with six-year-old Ryan Barnes that global warming was a concern and assured him that he was ‘doing everything he could do to ensure that snow continued to be a feature of Christmas by introducing an environmentally friendly sleigh.’

He then told Ryan’s sister Natalie, who had overheard the conversation, that the new sleigh puller has been jointly developed with a major Japanese car manufacture, and ‘a team of magic elves from his other base in Lapland.’

After being confronted by the children’s upset parents, the Shopping Centre hastily arranged a press conference at which Santa Claus tried to explain his earlier comments. ‘Err. I was rather put on the spot by these little b…bright children.’ he said hesitantly whilst adjusting his long white beard which looked as if it could have been made of cotton wool. ‘I share their concerns about the environment and feel that Santa, I mean, I, should do my bit for the planet.’

Looking much less hearty than he does on Christmas cards, Santa explained why it was time to make a change. ‘My old 4×4 reindeer configuration was rather extravagant. Hay doesn’t come cheap and it’s not as if I can ask Santa to drop some off. The new propulsion system is totally hybrid and qualifies for zero congestion charges in major cities. That will save me quite a few bob and will allow me to deliver to California again.’

Mr Claus was at pains to promise that some traditional features would be retained. The new power unit would be named the Toyota Rudolph and will feature shiny red LED lights at the very front of the vehicle. Finally he asked that, instead of leaving a carrot out for the reindeer, children should leave a can of de-icer.’

‘I am proud to announce that the next round of talks will be held in the Maldives,’ said delegation chief, Pablo Solon, waving the signed agreement to cheering crowds. ‘And I give the peoples of the world my word that no future talks will be hosted by any resort that is less than five-star.’

The UN-sponsored climate talks, held in Cancun this week, looked set to end in deadlock until an eleventh-hour deal was struck to agree a mutually-acceptable venue. There had even been threats of a walkout following the UK’s proposal to hold the next summit in Northern Ireland.

‘We were aware that we had a grave responsibility to act now and protect future generations of UN delegates from catastrophic summit venues,’ continued Solon. ‘Were you at Kyoto? No wonder we didn’t get anywhere with that protocol. The TVs in the hotel only had 200 channels and they served nothing but ‘regional’ cuisine. I mean, you can’t cut carbon emissions on an empty stomach.’

Delegates have also welcomed the agreement. ‘Cancun has been brilliant, so it was really important that we ensured there is no drop in quality next time,’ said Diego Monterro of the Argentine delegation. ‘This morning I had a hot stone massage and then spent an hour and a half at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. We’re doing this for our grandchildren, after all.’

After so many false starts on climate change, Solon is sure this time will be different. ‘I’m confident that together we’ve delivered a workable framework for moving towards a sustainable programme of high-end summit venues,’ he said. ‘I really hope the next round of talks can live up to what we’ve achieved here.’

Sadly it later transpired that the agreement included no mechanism to enforce nations’ commitments, and so the next summit will be held in Coventry.

dogwheels

Many sports will be affected by the new icy track and field rules. Javelin Jumping will see competitors with skis launched off the end of a 70 metre ramp carrying a large spear, whilst Discus Dancing will see large, steroid-filled Eastern Europeans in sparkly leotards launch their discs at the end of a triple salchow with toe loop; spectators in rows A-M should wear appropriate headgear.

The BBC will be the host broadcaster of this sporting first, with lead commentator Stuart Hall excitedly proclaiming: ‘Haaaaa, haaaa, oooh, he’s mmmmwaaahaaaaa, spppppp, mnahhhh oh ho ho ho ho, mwaaaaahaahahaaaaa.’

exigo

Oliver Johnson, 89, and a horologist for sixty-years, says he has noticed the shrinkage every 21 December in recent years. ‘There was a time when a day meant a day, but not any more,’ he said. ‘It’s quite serious and playing havoc with my escapement. I think it started the year the Titanic hit an iceberg, followed by Robert Maxwell jumping into the Atlantic Ocean.  I don’t know what the world’s coming to, but it certainly doesn’t add up to twenty-four hours anymore.’

Asked why the shortest day was shrinking, Dr Foster said ‘Er, I don’t really know, but we’ll dream something up. Hopefully, by the end of the day. Oh – it’s over.’

There were more violent scenes in Nottinghamshire today as environmental protestors campaigning for the closure of the UK’s largest coal-fired power station at Ratcliff-on-Soar received unexpected reinforcements from hundreds of Thatcherites, a group previously believed to have disbanded.

Protestors dressed in clown makeup were joined by city gents in pin-striped suits in a combined effort to bring an end to pollution, global warming, and inefficient state-run industry. Fifty people were arrested and one policeman injured when the enraged Thatcherites and eco-campaigners charged police lines, waving placards reading ‘No to climate chaos’ and ‘Scargill the monster’.

One protestor, clad in garish braces and clutching a mobile phone the size of a house-brick, told reporters ‘we’ve risen again, and this time we’ll finish what we started in the 80s – by continuing to offer a market for British coal this plant is sustaining an embarrassingly creaky and inefficient coal industry and keeping the trade union dinosaur alive. Oh, and it’s bad for the enviro-what-what, yah.’

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