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Posts Tagged ‘cocaine’

Olympic legacy threatened by plans to return East End to crime-blighted slum

Boris knows bestStadium demolished to make way for derelict wasteland for petty criminals and drug pushers.

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Posted: Jan 31st, 2014
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Contrite Co-op Bank offers better financial products and great deals on crystal meth

hurry, while stocks can still be manipulatedThe newly appointed chief of the Co-Op Bank, Ursula Lidbetter, has hinted at an ‘exciting and lucrative’ change of direction for the business. At a hastily convened press conference the new Chief Executive, who gave her name only as “Heisenberg”, praised the spirit of mutuality on which the bank has always been based, which meant that customers would now be offered the innovative range of personal solutions that every other High Street Bank and their executives are currently keeping to themselves.

Products on offer include reasonable mortgages, competitive interest on savings and ‘Pure White’ and ‘Crystal Blue’ in small, neatly and discreetly branded packages at very competitive prices.

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Posted: Nov 20th, 2013
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Canadians ootraged at loss of ‘boring’ image

There has been widespread anger across Canada at the loss of that nation’s carefully cultivated “safe and boring” image thanks to the recent exploits of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

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Posted: Nov 19th, 2013
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Authorities ‘winning the War on Muesli’

millions of pounds worth flooding the UK every yearThe rising price of muesli across the globe is proof that the international trade in this illicit breakfast cereal is finally ‘in retreat’ according to the UK’s Serious Organised Crime Agency.

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Posted: May 15th, 2012
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Kent Police crush local pesto ring

public urged to be on the lookout for pestophilesKent Police were this afternoon formally congratulated on the outstanding success of Operation Ploughmans. Speaking from outside Downing St, Prime Minister David Cameron praised the two month operation as ‘a significant contribution’ to Britain’s home economic security.

From their operations base at Dover, police officers intercepted several tankers of Spanish olive oil, along with sizable quantities of Macedonian pine nuts. Maps in the trucks confirmed police suspicions that the raw materials were destined for industrial warehouses in the so-called ‘Kitchen Garden’ of Surrey. Here they would be mixed with locally grown basil and parmesan cheese which was to be flown over from Italy this weekend.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2011
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