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Posts Tagged ‘cocaine’

Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
More from Politics

Massive binge leads cultural leaders to call for legalisation of drugs

Branson pickledBranson asked if someone wouldn’t mind popping down to the garage to get ‘some of those crisps in the big green packet’.

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Posted: Jun 5th, 2014
More from From The Archives

Contrite Co-op Bank offers better financial products and great deals on crystal meth

hurry, while stocks can still be manipulatedThe newly appointed chief of the Co-Op Bank, Ursula Lidbetter, has hinted at an ‘exciting and lucrative’ change of direction for the business. At a hastily convened press conference the new Chief Executive, who gave her name only as “Heisenberg”, praised the spirit of mutuality on which the bank has always been based, which meant that customers would now be offered the innovative range of personal solutions that every other High Street Bank and their executives are currently keeping to themselves.

Products on offer include reasonable mortgages, competitive interest on savings and ‘Pure White’ and ‘Crystal Blue’ in small, neatly and discreetly branded packages at very competitive prices.

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Posted: Nov 20th, 2013
More from Business

Canadians ootraged at loss of ‘boring’ image

There has been widespread anger across Canada at the loss of that nation’s carefully cultivated “safe and boring” image thanks to the recent exploits of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

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Posted: Nov 19th, 2013
More from News In Brief

Authorities ‘winning the War on Muesli’

millions of pounds worth flooding the UK every yearThe rising price of muesli across the globe is proof that the international trade in this illicit breakfast cereal is finally ‘in retreat’ according to the UK’s Serious Organised Crime Agency.

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Posted: May 15th, 2012
More from Lifestyle