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Posts Tagged ‘cocaine’

Kent Police crush local pesto ring

public urged to be on the lookout for pestophilesKent Police were this afternoon formally congratulated on the outstanding success of Operation Ploughmans. Speaking from outside Downing St, Prime Minister David Cameron praised the two month operation as ‘a significant contribution’ to Britain’s home economic security.

From their operations base at Dover, police officers intercepted several tankers of Spanish olive oil, along with sizable quantities of Macedonian pine nuts. Maps in the trucks confirmed police suspicions that the raw materials were destined for industrial warehouses in the so-called ‘Kitchen Garden’ of Surrey. Here they would be mixed with locally grown basil and parmesan cheese which was to be flown over from Italy this weekend.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2011
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Olympic legacy threatened by plans to return East End to crime-blighted slum

Boris knows bestStadium demolished to make way for derelict wasteland for petty criminals and drug pushers.

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Posted: Jan 24th, 2011
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Verdict on Christmas now in: “Oh, quiet, just the family”…

The population of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has returned its verdict on Christmas 2010, with 99.97% of respondents agreeing it was “Oh, quiet, just the family”.

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2010
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Maradona kicks damaging football habit and returns to cocaine

‘I had a successful cocaine career and the world at my feet, but I found myself dabbling in football,’ said Maradona today.

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Posted: Jul 5th, 2010
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Coke addict not bothered by election of new Colombian president

Jono Greggs, advertising executive and habitual cocaine user, last night greeted the news of the victory of Colombia’s ex-defence chief Santos in the presidential election with an indifferent shrug. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘It must suck to have a killer as a president, but it’s Colombia – what d’you expect?’

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Posted: Jun 23rd, 2010
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