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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Everyone now officially an artisan

rustic professionalism, everywhereFollowing the revelation that printers, blacksmiths, cigar pen makers and even quilt rack makers have joined bakers, butchers and cheese makers in using the term ‘artisan’, experts have ruled that absolutely anyone is free to claim to be one. The only conditions are that they have to be unemployed marketing graduates and are not funneling over a thousand tonnes a day of cement powder and cows’ vaginas into a mixer and hoping for the best.

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Posted: Oct 30th, 2014
More from Business



Government to cut emergency services ‘to stop people needing help’

‘Pastimes such as candlelit dinners, smoking cigarettes while asleep and drying your shell-suits over the paraffin heater will become life-threatening adrenaline sports’ said a Downing Street spokesman.

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Posted: Oct 30th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Scotland votes in favour of merger of Brian Coxes

The new single Cox will play British heavies in middlebrow American action movies, grin at how wonderful science can be and exercise increased tax raising powers, sometimes simultaneously.

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Posted: Oct 30th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Northamptonshire named Britain’s first Area of Outstanding General Mediocrity

just passing throughIt was the award a few wanted but only one could have. In the end, it was disappointment for Buckinghamshire, the borough of Chorley and everywhere within a five-mile radius of Motherwell as Northamptonshire won the nomination as the UK’s first Area of Outstanding All-Round Mediocrity (AOGM).

‘Neither quite vile enough for it to be funny, nor possessed of anything that might induce visitors to stay longer than it takes to use a toilet, this most nondescript of counties was a natural choice,’ said Lord Melvyn Bragg, chairman of the judging panel. ‘Its highest point is a mundane 738 feet. Its county flower is the cowslip. Even when Corby ceased to be the largest town in Britain without a railway station in 2009, Irthlingborough succeeded to the title. I could go on, but, you know, life’s too short, isn’t it?’

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Posted: Oct 29th, 2014
More from UK News



Celebrities to balls-up your commute on Poppy Day

Service announcements at Wood Lane will be replaced by Joey Barton reciting the prologue from Friedrich Nietzsche’s ‘Das Verhältnis der Schopenhauer Ischen Philosophie zu einer deutschen Kultur’, before bursting out of the control office and head-butting commuters on to the track.

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Posted: Oct 29th, 2014
More from News In Brief