Nigel Drake, a software analyst with Drayton Mann, said: ‘Honestly, when was the last time you actually downloaded a ‘critical’ update or patch from Microsoft, and it made any difference to anything you were doing? The screen doesn’t change, it doesn’t go any faster, it doesn’t stop getting attacked by viruses, it doesn’t boot up quicker, in fact if anything it gets slower and then your whole screen goes black.’

The updates, which are simultaneously offered to users in 82 countries, are programmed to make their presence known in a variety of annoying ways – as soon as the machine is switched on; before the machine can be switched off or in the case of modern Windows systems as soon as the machine detects the user is engaged in any activity of importance or interest.

‘Windows Updates are not compulsory,’ said a Microsoft spokesperson, ‘and the user has the option of simply switching off the prompts and ignoring them.’ However, Paul Strickland, who recently purchased Microsoft’s new Windows 7 package, said that when he turned off alerts and ignored updates he noticed that events took a sinister turn. ‘At first it was just harmlessly irritating, as usual. I’d get a message saying ‘you’ve turned off alerts’ every time I used the machine. Then when I was working it would randomly flash up ‘hey, you’re missing out on important updates’. A little later the machine began unexpectedly crashing, and I got a message saying ‘you were warned’.

The next day my wife’s car was mysteriously run off the road by a strange black utility vehicle, and I found that all evidence of my existence, bank details, driving licence… had been completely wiped off every database on earth. It might just have been an innocent glitch, but all I know is that when I switched the alerts back on everything returned to normal. So now I consider the endless pop-ups, flashing icons, warning gong sounds or system freezes a small price to pay for my family’s safety.’

Microsoft has turned down all interview requests, and has put the case in the hands of its lawyers, Munro Gibson. A partner at the firm issued a statement on his client’s behalf, which said, ‘While Microsoft regrets that Windows Updates serve no useful purpose other than providing a safety valve for people driven slowly mad by writing endless code, we deny any wrongdoing. We feel it only fair to add that we are aware of where you live and how old is little Katie now, she must be, what, about five years old? They’re so vulnerable at that age.’

UK premier Gordon Brown was also moved by the occasion ‘When you think of the impact of the global financial crisis, the terrible local and European election results and the MPs expenses scandals, HP has alleviated all these problems by releasing the BIOS revision at this time, and by changing the default boot device to hard disk has removed the worrying wait whilst the machines first tried to boot from CD. It is truly a miracle. I will not be resigning.’

However the news of the BIOS revision was not met with universal approval. A spokesman from technology analysts Gartner warned the public of embracing the latest revision without ‘Proper testing and deployment planning, after all a failed attempt to flash a BIOS could result in you needing to install it again from the CD that came with the motherboard’ warned senior vice president Chelsey Palino ‘That could bring delays to your Googling and gaming activities.’

In the UK there was mixed reaction to the news about the BIOS revision. Former ministers Hazel Blears and Jacqui Smith warned against the upgrade citing that ‘A BIOS revision is not enough. We need a full scale change of BIOS on a brand new microprocessor’ whilst David Cameron went further demanding ‘A compete change of motherboard following a full-scale procurement exercise which allows the British people to select a completely new BIOS.’

Nick Clegg from the Liberal Democrats advocated an approach which ‘Gives people the right to choose their BIOS based on the needs of the nation overall, and to not be required to use an HP or Dell BIOS just becuase they were first past the post.’

BNP leader Nick Griffin warned of the danger of relying on an imported foreign BIOS when the UK has a solid track record through companies such as Sinclair, BBC Micro and Amstrad of delievring ‘World class BIOS chips which have been developed and produced in the UK. That’s why we are the world leaders in such components.’

For years the project’s development was overshadowed by the more ambitious quest for Artificial Intelligence, but scientists working in Seattle accepted that A.S. was a more realisable ambition within their own lifetime. Yesterday they finally unveiled the domestic computerised robot ‘Kevin’ who is so stupid that every day its owner will experience a wonderful life-affirming sense of their own human superiority. ‘You tell it to open the door and it pulls the door into its own face.’ explained proud project leader Carl Kinear. ‘You ask it the capital of Argentina and it shrugs and says ‘Madrid?’ Ask him what ‘Kevin’ actually stands for and he will explain ‘Er, Computer enhanced something, hang on, is computer with a c or a k?.’ This is one seriously dumb machine.’

For decades psychologists have reported computer-users feeling a sense of worthlessness and inadequacy as their machines asked them technical questions they didn’t quite understand. To ensure that digital technology actually improves the quality of life, scientists finally realised that the key was to make robots even dumber than humans are.

Artificially stupid Kevin is supposed to help around the house, but actually spends most of his time sitting in the kitchen watching daytime TV. He flicks through gossipy magazines like Bella and Take-A-Break! and then puts them in the wrong bin. Artificial Stupidity has previously only been available as a by-product of the computer industry, in certain printers that churned out fifty pages of blank paper or spell-checkers that rejected perfectly acceptable words.

But now the ultimate in A.S. will soon be on sale at Dixon and PC World making Artificial Stupidity available to all. And if asked whether you should take out the extended warranty, Kevin will say ‘Very much so, it’s such good value!’

see also:
Robots ‘have failed to take over the world’