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Posts Tagged ‘Conservative party’

‘Messing about still core to curriculum’, says OFSTED report

Messing and mucking about is still the most important part of the school curriculum for most pupils, according to OFSTED. ‘It’s my favourite bit,’ said Brett, a year eight pupil at Scunthorpe Comp, ‘though school dinners when it’s double burger, chips and beans is good.’

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Posted: Jun 29th, 2014
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Cameron and Clegg to form ‘sorry duet’

Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a ‘duet’ to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, ‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’, ‘Careless Whispers’ and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2014
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Politicians turn to the hashtag to implement policies

Now that he ‘s discovered the bandwagon for tweeting a selfie holding a popular hashtag, David Cameron is planning sweeping reforms of the way that power is wielded in the corridors of Westminster.

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Posted: May 12th, 2014
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World reacts with ‘surprising speed’ to Nigerian abduction – one month later

With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden – hostages improve with time.

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Posted: May 11th, 2014
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The end of the Universe simulated in George Osborne’s head

While scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have computer generated the evolution of the Universe, George Osborne’s ‘vacuous noggin’ has managed replicate the precise terminus of life as we know it.

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Posted: May 9th, 2014
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