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Posts Tagged ‘Conservative party’

World reacts with ‘surprising speed’ to Nigerian abduction – one month later

With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden – hostages improve with time.

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Posted: May 11th, 2014
More from World News



The end of the Universe simulated in George Osborne’s head

While scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have computer generated the evolution of the Universe, George Osborne’s ‘vacuous noggin’ has managed replicate the precise terminus of life as we know it.

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Posted: May 9th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Benefit claimants pleased at prospect of zero-hour contracts

In what appears to be the perfect deal for those either unable or reluctant to work, the government plans to push claimants off benefits and into jobs they will not have to do. The rationale being that if people only have to work zero hours, they will have plenty of time to make money elsewhere.

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Posted: May 7th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Political parties given go ahead for new Subliminal Election Broadcasts

public currently still thinking for themselvesFrom next year, the traditional Party Election Broadcast will be replaced by a blipvert that operates below the threshold of human conscious perception. ‘The old party political broadcasts suffered from a terrible flaw,’ explained Tory party strategist Lynton Crosby. ‘As soon as anyone realised they were watching one, they immediately switched over.’

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Posted: May 6th, 2014
More from Politics



Tories welcome minority status for Corniche people

The Tory faithful have welcomed the ‘long overdue’ news that Corniche people are to be recognised and protected as a national minority, thus guaranteeing the human rights of the super-rich. This, they said, should also send a clear message to the rest of the country that it is not enough to simply be ‘ quite well-off’ any more.

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Posted: Apr 27th, 2014
More from News In Brief