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Posts Tagged ‘Conservative party’

Jeremy Hunt trials new hi-tech ‘contactless’ NHS

Fed up with having to deal with inefficient and often sick NHS workers, the UK Health Secretary has introduced a trial of ‘contactless healthcare’, which does away entirely with the need for any physical presence. Just like an oyster card, your new NHS care card can be topped up with platitudes and sound bites ready to be deployed at any time you feel a touch of one-day flu coming on.

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2014
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Conservative Party to adopt new ‘jackboot’ logo in place of tree

SchweinhundsThe Conservative Party has decided to rebrand itself as ‘The Workers Party,’ following poor opinion poll ratings among low-waged workers in marginal constituencies.

They have also been urged by constituency MPs to replace the party’s logo – currently a green tree – because it no longer reflects the party’s aspirations and the leader’s determination to ‘get rid of all this green crap.’

A backbencher has suggested adopting a boot as the party’s new symbol, to suggest sympathy with hardworking Brits who, as a consequence of the global economic crisis of 2008, have had to show resilience and fortitude by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. However, a graphic design consultancy asked to submit some preliminary images said it was difficult to make the bootstraps stand out in silhouette, and suggested the party might prefer to use the more classic outline of a military jackboot instead.

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Posted: Feb 26th, 2014
More from Politics



Dip in January book sales blamed on Michael Gove ‘teaching manual’

definitive, until he changes his mindWaterstones have today announced that pre-orders of the widely anticipated manual, ‘Teaching: Everything I know’, penned by education minister Michael Gove, have been ‘spiralling into negative figures’.

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Posted: Jan 21st, 2014
More from UK News



State school kids to ‘hand over pocket money at school gates’, confirms Gove

Michael Gove has today announced that students at state schools who receive over £10 a week in pocket money will be ‘stopped at the school gates by monitors’, nicknamed ‘Gove’s Angels’, and forced to voluntarily donate the cash to school funds. Although no physical force will be used, students who resist may see their grades go down and their cries of help ignored.

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Posted: Jan 20th, 2014
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‘Too much admin’ in modern relationships, claims Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to free young lovers from the ‘overwhelming administrative burden’ of keeping modern relationships alive on Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, Instagram, Foursquare, Orkut, Formspring and Tumblr, in a speech at the Conservative Party conference in Manchester.

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Posted: Sep 30th, 2013
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