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Posts Tagged ‘Conservative party’

Schoolboy successfully lights Bunsen burner without messing about

A 13-year-old Lancashire schoolboy has become the first pupil in the UK to successfully light a Bunsen burner without turning it up too high or too low or attempting to burn his school to the ground.

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Posted: Mar 6th, 2014
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UK celebrates most successful ‘tossing’ innuendo day on record

The Office of National Statistics has revealed that the British public ‘surpassed expectations’ on Shrove Tuesday yesterday, making more ‘tossing’ innuendos than in any other year since records began. The tradition, which was once reserved for the kitchen, has become widespread among the public with phrases such as, ‘let’s have a good toss in the kitchen’ being openly used on daytime television, with the ‘Loose Women’ breaking all previous records on their own.

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Posted: Mar 5th, 2014
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Decisive EU warning on Crimea: ‘Eurovision will be really awkward this year’

Anything but Boom Bang-a-Bang, pleaseEuropean Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that, unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision, make no mistake. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2014
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Jeremy Hunt trials new hi-tech ‘contactless’ NHS

Fed up with having to deal with inefficient and often sick NHS workers, the UK Health Secretary has introduced a trial of ‘contactless healthcare’, which does away entirely with the need for any physical presence. Just like an oyster card, your new NHS care card can be topped up with platitudes and sound bites ready to be deployed at any time you feel a touch of one-day flu coming on.

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2014
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Conservative Party to adopt new ‘jackboot’ logo in place of tree

SchweinhundsThe Conservative Party has decided to rebrand itself as ‘The Workers Party,’ following poor opinion poll ratings among low-waged workers in marginal constituencies.

They have also been urged by constituency MPs to replace the party’s logo – currently a green tree – because it no longer reflects the party’s aspirations and the leader’s determination to ‘get rid of all this green crap.’

A backbencher has suggested adopting a boot as the party’s new symbol, to suggest sympathy with hardworking Brits who, as a consequence of the global economic crisis of 2008, have had to show resilience and fortitude by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. However, a graphic design consultancy asked to submit some preliminary images said it was difficult to make the bootstraps stand out in silhouette, and suggested the party might prefer to use the more classic outline of a military jackboot instead.

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Posted: Feb 26th, 2014
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