At a gathering at their annual seminar at the Bletchley Conference Centre, near Milton Keynes, senior Illuminati executives bemoaned the increasing pressure they are under to keep Humanity in check. ‘Nowadays diverting mankind’s attention from the fact that they’re being ruled by giant lizards isn’t easy – global warming, international terrorism, economic downturn – it’s not easy keeping all those balls in the air. Things were much simpler back in the good old days before privatisation – sacrifice a few people on top of a pyramid and everyone was happy. ‘

It is not only the higher echelons that are suffering, as the lizard leaders discovered during an open Q&A session with second tier managers. ‘Most of us don’t get home until at least nine o’clock at night,’ complained junior initiate King Albert II of Belgium, ‘by which time our brood have already gone to bed and my wife’s rodent casserole has gone cold. Our whole work/life balance is skewed, but when you complain to Inhuman Resources they don’t want to know.’

The Illuminati’s chief executive officer also came under fire for demanding that her underlings change their disguise every four or five years. ‘It’s one rule for senior reptiliods and another for the rest of us. They’ve been wearing the same Queen Elizabeth, Robert Mugabe or Bruce Forsyth costume for decades but I’ve got to pretend to be a completely different President of Canada once every five minutes just to keep David Icke from poking around – it just goes to show that democracy doesn’t work.’

In response to this criticism, Illuminati bosses have promised a root and branch review of all secret cabal working practices, to be carried out in conjunction with a major new efficiency drive, but junior managers remain unconvinced. ‘So basically I’ll have to manage Ecuador with less staff and a smaller budget,’ said one underling. ‘In hindsight we should’ve accepted the Pod People’s buyout offer during the 90′s – at least I’d have got a decent price for my shares. And why are they still sticking to that outmoded Zionist conspiracy corporate model? I haven’t had a decent bacon sandwich for bloody ages.’

It is thought that Beadle had intended the stunt as an amusing prank for an ITV show, ‘Hijackers do the Funniest Things’ – a last ditch attempt to rekindle his 1980s success with a darker, geopolitical edge. Originally the planes were only supposed to fly around the towers but the hijackers decided to martyr themselves in the hope of receiving a £250 reward if Beadle used the footage.

‘These allegations are grossly unfair,’ said Beadle’s agent, ‘Jeremy is no longer around to defend himself and there are plenty of other suspects still in the frame. I still have my money on Noel Edmonds.’

jamestilburn

Always the last to be picked

Controversial author and former sports presenter David Icke has hit the headlines after making the outlandish claim in his latest book, ‘The Back of the Net’, that he played in goal for Hereford United in the early 1970s.

‘I firmly believe that I made 38 appearances for the Edgar Street club in the 1972/73 season,’ he writes, but cynics have accused him of over-egging the pudding after he also claimed to have signed a contract for Coventry City before playing on-loan for Oxford United.

Icke was forced to finance publication of the book himself after the manuscript met with universal derision from the shape-shifting lizards that control the publishing and media industries.  However some kindly-disposed critics have suggested that Icke’s helpless fantasising may simply be a natural response to the overbearing influence of his father, Almighty God.

The meeting of the group, held in a secret location and featuring the eight leading figures believed to control the conspiracy world, attempted to agree on the most likely non-official interpretation of events to counter the version that a shady government/media/general public cabal with obvious ulterior motives, was expected to peddle. ‘We’re not going to be caught up on the hop like before with the moon landings, Kennedy and Princess Di,’ claimed an anonymous internet spokesman for the group, ‘that resulted in a wide range of outlandish theories being put out that made us look like a right bunch of loner paranoid cranks. What we need today is one big implausible but impossible to disprove theory upon which we can all agree.’

A range of theories – including an alien abduction that went horribly wrong, the revenge of an embittered Bubbles the chimp, or health problems in a middle-aged man undertaking unaccustomed strenuous phyical exercise exacerbated by a probable prescription drug addiction – were dismissed before a consensus was reached.

Culkin: never seen in the same room...

Having agreed to spread the word of the truth in internet forums and late night public transport, the group then went on to finalise a pitch for a screenplay on Jackson’s life, in which Oliver Stone was said to have shown considerable interest.