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Posts Tagged ‘crack’

‘Everything happens for a reason,’ says detained pregnant teen addict

Speaking from her youth detention centre in Feltham, Danielle Barnes says still believes in the notion of fate. The expectant 16 year-old said she trusts that all events in her life, including an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show, has been predestined. ‘If I’ve learnt anything from the works of Sophocles,’ explained her community liason officer. ‘Jade’s life is building towards an unforgettable climax’.

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Posted: Oct 23rd, 2015
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Confident Osborne, smokes crack during Conference speech

George Osbourne today highlighted his dominant positon in the polls by openly challenging Boris Johnson to a fight and demanding his turn ‘to f@$k a pig’. In a series of bizarre acts, the Chancellor ambled about the stage, fist-pumping imaginary voters and blowing kisses to the assembled press.

Sitting on the edge of the stage and openly smoking from a glass pipe, he yelled: ‘Let’s face it Britain, who else are you going to vote for now?

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Posted: Oct 7th, 2015
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Kent Police crush local pesto ring

public urged to be on the lookout for pestophilesKent Police were this afternoon formally congratulated on the outstanding success of Operation Ploughmans. Speaking from outside Downing St, Prime Minister David Cameron praised the two month operation as ‘a significant contribution’ to Britain’s home economic security.

From their operations base at Dover, police officers intercepted several tankers of Spanish olive oil, along with sizable quantities of Macedonian pine nuts. Maps in the trucks confirmed police suspicions that the raw materials were destined for industrial warehouses in the so-called ‘Kitchen Garden’ of Surrey. Here they would be mixed with locally grown basil and parmesan cheese which was to be flown over from Italy this weekend.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2011
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